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  • Acting A.G. Meatball Preps For Congressional Colonoscopy
    Meatball, ya dumb sonofabitch, did you not think it was all going to come out? It's one thing to be chief of staff at the Department of Justice. You can whisper sweet poison in Trump's ear all you like, and maybe parlay it into that judgeship in Iowa you've always wanted, since the Republicans are racing to pack the federal judiciary with wingnut hacks like yourself. But if you're stupid enough to get yourself appointed Acting Attorney General, every dirty, hinky thing you ever did is going to wind up on the front page of the Washington Post. And you took this job after the Democrats got subpoena power back in the House. How many times were you dropped on that big shaved thumb-head of yours?The Big Dick John was fun, but now reporters are all the way up in Acting AG Whitaker's shit. Yesterday, the Post and the Times both ran front-page stories on the scam charity that used tax-deductible contributions to pay Whitaker more than a million dollars. Then, late in the afternoon, the Office of Government Ethics put the final touches on Whitaker's financial disclosures and released it to the public. What exactly were they cleaning up FIVE TIMES this month? We'll find out soon, because the CREW crew is already on it. In the meantime, here are a few questions posed by the financial disclosure and the scam charity's 990 IRS disclosure.Who funds that "charity?"In 2012, Matthew Whitaker earned $79,000 in his private law practice. After his failed US Senate run in 2014, he lucked into a job with the Foundation for Accountability and Civic Trust (FACT) earning $300,000. Who paid Whitaker's salary? Not clear! The law protects the donors' holy First Amendment rights to secrecy, while giving them a tax deduction for donating to "charity." Ain't America GREAT! (The Times says it wasn't the Kochs.) Very accountability. Much transparent.What the donors got from Whitaker is also unclear. FACT paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to lawyers in DC and opposition researchers to gin up worthless ethics complaints against Democrats, and it forked over exactly $134,000 to Kendra Arnold, Whitaker's former law partner who took over management at FACT when he joined the Trump administration. But back in 2016, FACT only had one real employee to speak of -- Matthew Whitaker, whom they paid $400,000 for ... something. Was this a wingnut welfare fund for an Iowa politician with a tendency to involve himself in patent scams and other stupid shit that might damage his future electoral prospects when Joni Ernst's seat is up again in 2020 and Chuck Grassley's old as dirt? Because someone plunked down $1.2 million over three years to keep Whitaker out of trouble. And if Whitaker knows who his sugardaddy is, Jerry Nadler's about to find out. But don't worry, the NYT asked FACT's Secretary William Gustoff, who was also Whitaker's law partner for eight years. And he gave Whitaker a clean bill of health."I don't see Matt Whitaker ever playing the role of anybody's bag man or errand boy," Mr. Gustoff said. He said that Mr. Whitaker "might possibly" know the identities of FACT's donors, but added that Mr. Whitaker "would do what he thinks is right regardless of whether somebody funded an activity he was involved in or not."Cool, cool.Open Secrets also points out that Neil Corkery, who pocketed $30,000 as FACT's "treasurer," is also "treasurer" for the Judicial Crisis Network, which vacillates between accusations of court packing and decrying the scourge of vacancies on the federal bench depending on which party occupies the White House. Who's donating to Whitaker's 2014 campaign TODAY?It's good to have friends in high places. For instance, if you work in the Justice Department and are known to be super good pals with the Idiot President, then people just throw money at you! NYT reports that four of Whitaker's admirers made donations totaling $8,000 to his campaign this year after Whitaker joined the Justice Department.Three of the donors are well known in political circles in Iowa. One of them, Gary Kirke, a wealthy casino owner, donated $2,600. His business partner, Michael J. Richards, made a donation for the same amount a few days earlier, records show.During the period when Mr. Whitaker was registered as a lobbyist in Iowa, he was registered to lobby for Mr. Kirke's company. [...]Another donor, Cameron Sutton, has served on the board of the conservative Heritage Foundation. He did not respond to a call seeking comment. Leon Shearer, the fourth donor, also did not respond to a call for comment.Lest you think that this money was being used to retire the $50,000 loan Whitaker made to his own campaign, the Times has gotten a totally objective refutation from good old William Gustoff, who also managed Whitaker's 2014 campaign. Of course."The donations were not solicited by me or by Matt," Mr. Gustoff said. He could not explain why they suddenly came about long after the end of the campaign."The checks came in. I, as the treasurer, deposited the checks, and I retired the debt that I knew I could without talking to Matt," he said. "I don't talk to Matt about the campaign."Sounds legit, and not at all like a violation of the Hatch Act prohibition on soliciting campaign contributions while in office.Who the hell is Mujo Becirovic?Let's play One of These Things Is Not Like the Others. We haven't worked out which Dan Sullivan in Dallas was a client of Whitaker's law firm. And Mike Pieper was convicted of stealing $93,000 of dirt from an Iowa drainage district. But Mujo Bercirovic is a low level marijuana dealer in Iowa who just so happened to find himself represented in federal court by the president of that venerable charitable organization FACT. UH HUH.Remember that time when Rudy Giuliani showed up in a Florida courtroom defending some random lady against insurance fraud charges? Remember how it turned out that she was the daughter of one of the ladies Rudy was sinking his incisors into behind his wife's back? Maybe there's a really good explanation for the fact that a guy who was pulling in $400,000 doing something for a scam charity on top of shit-talking on CNN and repping the Nebraska Beef producers was also representing some rando drug dealer. Or maybe there isn't. Because Whitaker was a dipshit involved in a bunch of shady ventures with scummy characters. So if there's any THERE there, you know that the media is about to ferret it out.TL, DR?This guy could have milked his doomed Iowa political prospects for all eternity and probably netted himself a lifetime appointment to the federal judiciary. Instead he took a high-profile spot at the Justice Department and volunteered to have a daily colonoscopy by Democrats and the media. Every stupid, hinky thing he ever did is about to be national news. Because he's a dumb, fucking meatball who bit off a whole lot more than he can chew.POPCORN TIME.[WaPo / NYT / Whitaker Financial Disclosures / FACT 990]Follow your FDF on Twitter!Click here to show your gratitude for Your Wonkette, who squints at bad photocopies of tax forms JUST FOR YOU!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Marcia Fudge Melts Before Hot Fire of Nancy Pelosi's Gavel Of Doom
    You've probably seen at least one of the many movies or TV shows where a group of young jerks tries to oust a perfectly qualified executive just because they're old. Democrats Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, and some other goofy white boys are apparently too stupid to understand they're the heavies in this flick. Now we've entered the climax of the story where they meet their much-deserved comeuppance. The #FiveWhiteGuys have tried for no reason to block Nancy Pelosi from a return engagement as speaker of the House. Pelosi just led House Democrats to their greatest electoral victory since Watergate, but because Pelosi has been able to vote since Watergate, these fools thought it was time for her to step down and let white men run things for a change. Sensitive to the optics of replacing the first woman speaker, Ryan stressed that there were some other "really competent females" (no, really) who could do the job. So, they flipped through their binder filled with "competent females" and came up with the competent-est one, Marcia Fudge from Ohio's 11th district. Fudge is not just "really competent" but she's younger and blacker than Pelosi. Now, Marcia Fudge was never going to be speaker, because no one's ever heard of her. Not me. Not you. Not even members of the sister's own household. I bet Fudge was reading the news and thinking, "Who the hell is this Marcia Fudge people say is gonna challenge Nancy Pelosi? She'd have to be crazy." But Fudge also made some good points that Democratic leadership was really white and didn't fully reflect the voters who put Democrats in power. Black women in particular are the most prominent and reliable Democratic voting bloc. "When you look at the people who support this party the most, they are women and African Americans and especially African American women," said Fudge. "We keep talking about diversity, but there is nothing diverse about the top of our ticket. We have to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk." Of course, you'd have to be snorting crystal meth with a cocaine chaser to believe the #FiveWhiteGuys are serious advocates of increased diversity in Democratic leadership or that they'd really go to all this trouble just to hand the speaker's gavel to a black woman. It was all a chess move and Pelosi checkmated them all over the damn place. Her response to a Fudge challenge? "Come on in, the water's warm." Yeah, honey, don't go near that water. It's scorching. Move forward and you'll end up with burnt Fudge. Pelosi met with Fudge last Friday and cut to business. She straight-up asked what it would take for Fudge to stop running around with those silly boys and back her for speaker. Fudge wanted to know if Pelosi had succession plans, and of course she did because Pelosi is all about plans. But the meeting was still effective. Fudge started to waver. She believed she was qualified but the job had a lot of responsibility, probably more than being a House representative you just heard about a week ago."It's a lot to travel every single weekend. It's a lot to do all the fundraising," [Fudge] said. "It's a lot to juggle all of the things that our caucus, which is more diverse now and bigger, is going to need."Yeah, you know who was doing all that like a boss? Nancy Flippin' Pelosi. Things took a further turn last week when Lance Mason, a former Cuyahoga County, Ohio, judge and ongoing asshole, was accused of fatally stabbing his former wife, Aisha Fraser. Fudge had written a letter supporting Mason prior to his 2015 sentencing for a domestic violence conviction. Mason had pleaded guilty to brutally beating Fraser, the woman he'd later kill. "Lance accepts full responsibility for his actions and has assured me that something like this will never happen again," Fudge wrote. "[He] is a good man who made a very bad mistake."So, yeah, bad call. Really bad call. This is just a taste of the heat and scrutiny a future speaker would face. But even without the Mason incident, Fudge was never a true threat. The Congressional Black Caucus, of which Fudge is a member, still rallied behind Pelosi, and chief lady in charge clamped down support from the progressive wing of the party, including many incoming freshman members. It's not surprising that Fudge dropped her speaker bid Tuesday and formally backed Pelosi, who in turn announced she was naming Fudge the incoming chair of a new elections subcommittee that will focus on voting rights access. This is necessary and important work because Republicans are crooks.It's sadly typical: Pelosi had to reapply for the job she's proven she can do by demonstrating to clueless morons how well she does it. Meanwhile, the folks who signed the #FiveWhiteGuy's much-storied letter opposing Pelosi are starting to see the writing on the wall of Nancy's House. Rep. Brian Higgins is the latest to fold. Seems like all Moulton and his fellow tools have to show for their efforts is a future consisting of women telling them how much they suck. And that's something we can all feel thankful for when digging into the turkey tomorrow.Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.Yr Wonkette is supported ONLY by reader donations! Politicians aren't begging you for money any more so give us some!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Sarah Palin Hurls Self Into Thanksgiving Turkey Grinder, For A Change
    This morning, Fox News was on top of the most important news of the day. Maria Bartiromo assured us we would get to other stories later, but for the bottom of the hour, it was very important to let her beef-smelling viewers know Sarah Palin and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are having a fight: It's true. Sarah Palin, or whatever underpaid idiot is manning her Twitter these days, tweeted a GOTCHA about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who said a couple of words incorrectly, and then caught herself, and still kinda got it wrong. GOD, ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ, WHY DON'T YOU SAY YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF ALL FIFTY-SEVEN STATES IN AMERICA WHILE YOU'RE AT IT: Yikes, indeed! Ocasio-Cortez accidentally called the the White House, the Senate, and the House the "chambers" of Congress, and then she was like oops, and said she meant the "chambers" of government! What A Idiot!Thankfully, and in the Thanksgiving spirit, Sarah Palin -- America's Official Explainer of Civics Knowledge And Like Such As All Of Them Katie All The Way To Russia Which Is Across The Street From My House, Sometimes If I'm Out Of Moose Jerky I Knock On Russia's Door And Say "Vladimir! Oleg! Mama Got A Hunger She Can't Deny! No, Silly, Not For Rump-Shakin' With Some Russians, I Got Todd For That, 'Cept For When His Dick Is Broke Down Because Of Another 'Snowmobile Accident'! I'm Out Of Moose Jerky!" -- is here to help.Or rather, Sarah Palin, who once argued that Paul Revere tried to warn the British that they were comin' atcha to take yer guns, is here to mock Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. No, really, that's what Sarah Palin said one time. She said Revere "warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free." Here, watch it: Sarah Palin: Paul Revere Warned The British HAHAHAHA, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, you big stupidhead!OK fine, to be completely fair, Sarah Palin's thing about Paul Revere wasn't specifically "civics" stupidity. Should we talk about the time she thought the Vice President was Charles In Charge of the Senate? She said that when she was campaigning for the job of Vice President. What about when she thought the White House had a thing called the "Department Of Law," which she said would have protected her from all those pesky allegations of ethics violations that allegedly forced her to become a half-term quitter governor?LOL @ Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! The ratio for that tweet? Oh baby, it was REAL.Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's response on Twitter was pitch perfect: It's the "FWD:RE:FWD:WATCH THIS" part that made us giggle the most.Oh well anyway, it's the day before Thanksgiving and we're ready to get the fuck to the grocery store to buy all the everythings (BEER, we like BEER, and also one million food ingredients), so here's your traditional "Sarah Palin Talks Shit While Turkeys Get Ground To Death Head-First" blood porn video, which is NSFW. The KTUU 2008 Sarah Palin turkey interview #NeverForget.Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!HI. IT IS THANKSGIVING. WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY OUR WRITERS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR US, MAYBE SOME MONEY?How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Put Your Leftovers In Your Stomach, With Spicy Turkey And Squash Soup!
    People have gone home. Our memories of a fine dinner with people we care about linger, while the evidence has been scooped into plastic containers and refrigerated. Re-purpose what is left into hot and hearty soup, as fast as you can, before they over-stay their visit and resentment sets in!Thanksgiving leftover soup is not a recipe that can be measured. This is a soup we prepare by sight and feel which does not require an additional trip to the store. I am taking for granted that most of you had a traditional turkey dinner. If you have not -- my apologies. Your dinner was lovely, no doubt, and I would love to hear about your own leftover soup. For those who did the typical thing, you know that no two soups made from leftovers will taste the same but each design will be familiar, hot and easy to prepare.Let's start with uncooked vegetables. If you are in possession of uneaten crudités, boy are you in luck! Vegetable trays are a gift that keeps on giving. Peppers (red and green), carrots, celery -- all of the usual suspects -- we can use these. If you have a spicy habanero handy (mine are in the freezer), mince it. Chop an onion, mince some garlic and sauté your vegetables in butter and oil until tender.Do you have any leftover broth? Maybe it's fresh, or maybe in cans? Use that along with any chicken stock you have -- enough for one or two quarts. Add a can of tomatoes, leftover fried corn (or whatever corn you have canned or frozen), because everything must go!Move on to a few peeled and diced potatoes, and leftover squash. Squash is a must! Blended squash, or fresh squash (peeled and cubed), adds sweetness and depth. Roasted root vegetables like parsnips, turnips and rutabagas? Perfect. Add some or all of these to the pot. Season with bay leaves, thyme, sage, parsley (and whatever else you like). Pepper flakes? Yes, do it. A squirt of citrus juice is a great idea, too, or even a shot of apple cider.Bring this to a boil, cover and reduce the heat to simmering. Cook for about 40 minutes, until the vegetables are tender, and stir occasionally.Shred some turkey meat. Anything between two or three cups should be plenty enough. Eyeball it and see what you think, one hand full at a time.I also use broiled turkey skin in my soup (and on sandwiches). It's a salty, greasy flavor bomb. Broil strips of turkey skin, sprinkled generously with kosher salt and ground pepper. Using a sheet of foil, use a few drips of olive oil and place under a medium broiler. Keep turning the skins until they are the same color as crisp bacon. There will be smoke and popping, and that's normal. I pull the battery out of my smoke detector when broiling turkey skin, and nothing has burned down yet. Drain the skins on paper towels and refrigerate, but only after you have taste tested a least a few pieces. I find they taste best in the dark, by the light of the cracked oven door.Bring the soup back to boiling, cover and simmer for about 30 minutes more. Add some of that cream or half & half the guests were using, why don't you? And you know what's cool about leftover soup? You can freeze it for later because this soup is an ouroboros and it never stops.Want to talk turkey? Well, the turkey is that Wonkette only has money when you give us it! Click below, to give us it!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Eat This Leftover Stuffing Strata For Every Meal For The Rest Of Your Life Or Until It's Gone
    [Editrix's note: I made this last year, and the year before that, and ate it for every meal until all the components were gone. It is absolutely delicious, and I don't even particularly like Thanksgiving food. So have at it, and you're welcome.]Are your Thanksgiving guests still lingering? Maybe if you feed them a hearty breakfast and tell them the leftovers are all gone, they'll get the fuck out. Regardless, this recipe is an excellent morning-time use of leftover stuffing. Strata is Latin for "breakfast casserole." You can use either term, depending on the level of pretense you like to serve with your food. I like to go for the maximum, especially when it's a dish as simple to prepare as this one.This one doesn't have any meat, but you may include leftover turkey or any kind of breakfast meat you like (and maybe your leftover stuffing has some kind of meat in it). If you had a ham on Thanksgiving, throw in a handful of ham cubes. If you want sausage or bacon in it, cook them first in a skillet and drain the fat.You can put this together in the evening and bake it in the morning. Just remember to take it out of the fridge for a little while before you put it in the hot oven. Also remember to remove the plastic wrap before putting it in the oven.Stuffing Strata2 cups or so of leftover stuffing3 eggs1 1/2 cups of milkEnough grated cheese to cover the casserole plus a little more (any good melting cheese will do; Swiss is a popular choice, but today we've got cheddar and a stick of string cheese)Instructions:Butter a casserole dish.Beat the eggs and milk together, with a little salt and pepper.Put the stuffing in the casserole in big chunks. Mix in the "plus a little more" of cheese.Pour the egg and milk mixture over the stuffing. Let the stuffing soak up all that good stuff for a few minutes. Alternatively, if you're preparing this the night before, cover the dish with plastic wrap and refrigerate.Sprinkle the cheese over the top of the casserole.Bake in a 375 oven for about 40 minutes, until the filling is firmly set.Enjoy with a Bloody Mary.You want Wonkette to live forever? Click below to fund us!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • It's Buttercup Squash Pie For Thanksgiving, Because SHUT UP, PUMPKINS
    Just last week, you were talking to your Thanksgiving host, and you made the mistake of being polite and asking if there is anything you can bring. And she said, "Oh, you're so thoughtful; something for dessert would be great!" So demanding! Do not fret. Today we share with you (for you to share with your friends on social media) a Buttercup Squash Pie recipe, so you can say, "As you wish." Yes, it's very similar to pumpkin or sweet potato pie, but it's different enough to generate conversation and non-traditional enough to deter your reactionary uncle from even tasting it. Buttercup squash are squat, ugly little bastards. If you can't find one, you can do this with butternut or acorn squash, or some combination of all of them. We're using buttercup squash mostly because we love Gilbert and Sullivan, almost as much as Adam West's Batman does: Batman Sings Gilbert and Sullivan Buttercup Squash Pie1 pie dough in a pie pan (Here's Mojopo's recipe, but you only need half of it)1 buttercup squash (alternatively 1 butternut or 2 acorn squash)1 cup sugar1 cup milk2 shots of dark rum1 teaspoon cinnamon1 teaspoon nutmeg1/2 teaspoon ginger (the dried powder kind)1/4 teaspoon allspice1/4 teaspoon mace3 eggs, separated (plus the yolk leftover from making this)Set the oven to 400° F. Cut the squash in half, around its equator, and scoop out the seeds with a spoon.Line a cookie sheet with tin foil, and put a little water on it. Place the squash halves, cut side down, on the cookie sheet, and bake until soft, about 30 minutes.Carefully remove the skin from the squash, put the flesh in a large bowl, and mash it with your potato masher.Let that cool (put the bowl outside, if it's cold where you live) while you get your pie dough into the pan.Turn the oven up to 425° F.The squash cool enough to handle? Great! Add to it the spices, sugar, milk, egg yolks, and half of the rum. Beat that until it is fully combined and smooth.Drink the other shot of rum. (That's what they call a "tot" on the HMS Pinafore.)Now, whip the egg whites until stiff but not dry.Fold the egg whites into the squash mixture. Do you know how to do that? Mix 1/3 of the whites into the squash stuff with a whisk. Add half of what's left of the egg whites (or another 1/3 of the original amount for you algebra enthusiasts) and run your rubber spatula or wooden spoon along the bottom of the bowl away from yourself, then kinda scoop it back toward you, "folding" the mixture over the whites. Turn the bowl a quarter turn and repeat. Do this until the egg whites are fully incorporated. Gently fold in the remaining egg whites until it's almost all the way incorporated, but a few small streaks of white remain.Pour the filling into the prepared pie dough. This is going to be way more than you need for one 9-inch pie, so be creative with the rest or throw it away.Put it in the oven for 10 minutes, then reduce the heat to 300° F. Bake for an additional hour or so, until a toothpick comes out clean and the crust is golden brown and delicious.If your Thanksgiving host is any damn good at hosting Thanksgiving, there will be plenty of whipped cream available to dollop on slices. We're eating it with vanilla ice cream today for our health. We will wait until next week to begin drinking heavy cream by the quart.Wonkette is fully funded by YOU! Click below, to fund Wonkette for Thanksgiving!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Make Thanksgiving 'Monkey Bread' With Nancy Reagan, FOREVER!
    Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere.Whatever the hell "monkey bread" might be -- something racist, we assume -- it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to "cook," at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat.Ingredients* 1 package dry yeast* 1 cup or so, of milk* 3 eggs* 3 tablespoons sugar* 1 teaspoon salt* 4-1/2 cups flour* 2 Percocet* 6 ounces butter, room temperature* 1/2 pound melted butter* 1 (9-inch) ring mold* 3 whisky soursDirectionsIn a bowl, mix yeast with small amount of milk until dissolved. (Remember to do this in a bowl and not just on the counter or whatever.) Add 2 eggs and beat, the eggs. Mix in dry ingredients. Add remaining milk a little at a time, mixing thoroughly. Cut in butter until blended. Take Percocet with first Whisky Sour. Knead dough, let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in size. (You can sit on the floor and lean against the cabinets for this part. No-one will see you crying.)Roll dough onto floured board, shape into a log. Cut log into 24 pieces of equal size. Shape each piece of dough into a ball, roll in melted butter. Place 12 balls in the bottom of the buttered and floured mold, leaving space between. Take a rest, wash your hands, drink second Whisky Sour. Place remaining balls on top, spacing evenly. Let dough rise in mold for 30 minutes. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees until golden brown, approximately 25 to 30 minutes.Drink third whisky sour, fall asleep on floor. THE END.Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! Click below to fund us!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • This Thanksgiving's Hottest Recipe Is Mamie Eisenhower's Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink!
    [Editor's note: We are running all your favorite Thanksgiving recipes today! Enjoy this one from 2009, from former Wonkette writer "Juli Wiener," but actually it is from Mamie Eisenhower and it is not actually called Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink. That is something former Wonkette owner "Ken Layne" called it, for a joke.]Here is your bit of "DC gossip" for the day: a Jell-o dessert recipe, for the holiday of Thanksgiving! It is Mamie Eisenhower's famed Red Scare Thanksgiving Jell-o Dessert and it is best served chilled, to family members you hate. (There is Mamie right there below with "friend" Lenora Hickock, feeding each other Jell-O and giggling knowingly.) This vile thing is exactly what the Eisenhowers used to force-feed the Soviets, and it is delicious. Ingredients:One (1) packet of sugar-free raspberry JelloOne (1) small-ish amount of waterOne (1) handful of ice cubesOne (1) cup of Sprite ZeroOne (1) packet of Cherry-Pomegranate Crystal LightFill a small-ish sauce pan thing with water. Ideally it should amount to around a cup or so, but sometimes even the best chefs have a difficult time finding where overreaching family members moved the measuring cups, so just whatever feels like a cup, that's probably a cup.Pour out the sugar-free raspberry Jello into a bowl. Make sure the bowl is big enough to hold at least two or so cups of liquid. This last point is crucial.Stare at the water until it boils. Do not worry: it will boil, despite the epigram suggesting otherwise.Pour the boiling water on top of the Jello in the bowl and stir it a few times so all the Jello particles whiz around in an even fashion and none are stuck to the bottom.Pour like a half-cup of cold Sprite Zero into the mixture too.So now grab a handful of ice cubes and place them in here too, as this will hasten the Jello along on its journey from liquid Jello to Jello Jello.Add a dash, or more than a dash—no judgment!—of Cherry-Pomegranate Crystal Light. There are now several different flavors floating about, which is several minus one more than you would have in cases of unmodified sugar-free raspberry Jello.Place in freezer. You heard me.Check on the Jello by sticking your finger in it every 10 to 15 minutes.When it resembles an ice-skating rink covered in blood (a hockey rink?), it is Time.This is all it took, plus Ronald Reagan.You want Wonkette to live forever and ever? Click below to give us a holiday donation!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Put Some Food On Your Family With Aunt Wonkette's Real Cranberry Business
    [Editor's note: We make this every damn year now, except for the years when we have dinner where "other people" have "cranberry traditions" for "Thanksgiving." It is the best way to eat the obligatory cranberry business.]No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor's famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o'd aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn't, so stop whining about everything, for once.This dish takes exactly three minutes to prepare, and another 10 or 15 minutes in the oven, and you don't even have to think about it. Pre-heat the oven, prepare the cranberries, "slide in the pyrex," as they say, and just turn the oven off, go outside, enjoy a marijuana cigarette, make snow angels in the trash pile outside the neighboring foreclosure, relax.There are many recipes you can find "on the Internet" for fresh cranberry sauce, but you don't need to do that anymore. Just send this one to your xBox or iPad or whatever and be DONE, done with the search for the ideal cranberry relish recipe.THE THINGS YOU NEED:When you're at the store, get two sacks of fresh cranberries from the produce section. This year, we have found Organic fresh cranberries, for the first time, at the regular supermarket. They are like, a pound each. This will be plenty for eight or so people. Did your relatives refuse to use any kind of birth control, producing a larger family of say, 16 people? Just double the recipe, meaning buy two of whatever, and use twice as much, in the recipe. And "double the recipe" does not mean set the oven to 700 degrees instead of 350. Come on, people.If for some reason you don't have some basic real cane sugar and a decent bottle of bourbon at home, purchase these things in whatever respectable quantity, so next time (Friday morning) you'll have this stuff handy. For Buy Nothing Day!Oranges. Buy some of them. Fight Scurvy!NEXT: Either right now or tomorrow or 30 minutes before carving time -- IT DOES NOT MATTER -- you wash the cranberries. (The thing that looks like a '50s space helmet, it is called the colander, fill it with the cranberries and put it under the cold faucet).Dump said berries in the Pyrex baking dish, like the one people might use for lasagna or baked manicotti. (This is a good time to remove whatever weird stuff the Stephen King characters who pick cranberries might've dropped in the bucket: loose teeth, "biker earrings," etc.) Get the cheese grater and just grate on some sad-but-firm orange, right on the peel, so that the little bits of orange peel fall down upon the lonely berries. It is fine if some bigger chunks -- like, half-inch-long shreds, but no bigger than that -- fall down there, too. It adds "color" ... orange color, in fact. Do this until you're tired of doing it, at which point there's probably about three teaspoons' worth of orange "zest" in the pyrex, with the cranberries. Don't pick it out and measure it or anything, just show some confidence. For once.Cut open that poor orange you've just Gitmo'd, and squeeze the juice into your cranberry business. Do not drop the orange seeds in there, Jesus christ ....Now drizzle a couple-five shots of bourbon on the berries. And sprinkle about half a cup of granulated cane sugar over all that. (Generally, cranberry relish recipes call for some insane amount of sugar, like three cups. Do not ruin everything, okay? Using not-so-much sugar produces a tart but still sweet-enough relish that is to be served with savory dishes like turkey and dressing, right? If you want to put this on a peanut butter sandwich, by all means use fifteen cups of sugar and chase it with an "energy drink" or whatever. Let freedom reign.) [EDITRIX HERE: I doubled the sugar to a cup and it was still very tart, to the point where the children complained about it in front of me and I kicked their asses for being stupid fucking children. Anyway, a cup of sugar is delicious.] [EVAN HERE: But you don't have to, if you like very TART things.]Cover the baking dish with foil and put it in the oven. Doesn't really matter, whatever the oven is set to, which is going to be in the 300-425 range for your general Thanksgiving dishes crowding the oven. You also don't need to be a dick and start yelling about how somebody needs to move the mac-and-cheese or the brussels sprouts under the broiler (and you SHOULD have simple cut-in-half olive-oil-brushed brussels sprouts under the broiler!) because you must get in your cranberry relish. Anytime is fine, and plus who will be impressed if you keep talking about it, beforehand? They might notice how easy it is to make, and then who are you? You are basically Lou Dobbs Newt Gingrich. So go outside and yell at a Mexican.Come back inside, and please wash your hands if you were smoking or "playing with the dog" out there, and see what is going on. Are people tense? It is probably time to open a bottle of wine, go ahead and pass around maybe a Petite Syrah, something that will go with maybe some pita chips or apple slices, whatever, try to get people to relax. It is okay to have "Irish Coffees," too, because it's daytime.When the cranberry business is bubbly and the berries have this nice soft-but-firm kind of thing going on, take out the pyrex and let it cool somewhere out of the way. If there's room in the fridge, you can just put the tray in there once it's cool to the touch. But there's no room, jesus just look at all the food in there, plus there are about a million beers for tomorrow, so just scrape it all into something pretty, some kind of thing you might put chutney in, or whatever (ask mom).Serve and watch how people say, "OMG I only ever had it from a can," etc.You love Wonkette and want it to live forever? Give us money by clicking below!How often would you like to donate? 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  • You Want Rolls For Thanksgiving, We've Got What You Knead (GET IT?)
    People from all walks of life love yeast rolls, probably even abnormal people with borderline personality disorders. Pets love them, too. If you're not careful, dogs will help themselves into a state of drunkenness by enjoying batches of raw dough.Yeast rolls take several hours to prepare, but the payout is a couple dozen bites of joy. As they bake, your home will smell good enough to sell. Satisfying, boosts the value of real estate -- these rolls are an excellent investment of your time.Yeast rolls are great with butter, jam, butter and jam, or combine all three to make a yeast roll slider.Ingredients½ c. milk½ c. sugar1 ½ tsp. kosher salt¼ c. butter, melted½ c. water, lukewarm-ish2 envelopes of yeast2 eggs, beaten4 ½ c. all purpose flour, extra for kneadingbutter, room temperature, as neededIn a saucepan, scald milk and remove from heat. Stir in the next three ingredients, and let it cool.In a large mixing bowl, combine lukewarm water with yeast, and stir gently until dissolved. Add the cooled milk mixture, beaten eggs, and about two and a half cups of flour. Blend until the dough is sticky. Keep adding flour, a half-cup at a time, until you have a pliant ball of dough.On a floured surface, knead the dough for about 10 minutes. It will seem so boring. Ask someone to turn some music on, because your hands are a mess and you can't. Better? Much. Kneading helps release gluten, and we need gluten to make light and chewy rolls. Gluten gets a ton of bad press, but I will have whatever gluten you don't want. I wish I were made of gluten.Rinse out that big bowl you had a few minutes ago, pat it dry, and smear the inside with butter. Put the dough back into the bowl and roll it around a few times to coat. Cover the bowl and let the dough rise in a warm spot for about an hour.After an hour, the dough should have doubled in size. Punch it down, and let it rise for another hour, until it has doubled in size again.Grease about four cake pans, or two cookie sheets -- either is fine. Turn the dough out on a floured surface, to make it easier to handle. Pull off pieces of the dough (about the size of a big walnut), and form into balls. Place these in your pans or cookie sheets. The rolls should not quite touch. Brush these with butter and set aside to allow the rolls to rise for another hour.Preheat the oven to 425º. Bake rolls for 15-20 minutes, or until brown. Remove from pan, and allow them to cool on wire racks for about 5-10 minutes. After that, you and your people can have as many as you want.Enjoy!You want Wonkette to be able to afford to buy ingredients for ROLLS? Click below to give us money!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Y'all Are Eatin' Collard Greens Up In Here; Or, Vegetables Are Better With Bacon
    Collard Greens are an ancient food first cultivated in Greece at least two thousand years ago. It is a mildly bitter, leafy plant widely recognized as an accompaniment to meals served in Africa, Brazil and the Southern US. Collard greens have endured the test of time in many nations because they're delicious. Your Recipe Hub is well versed in the down-home, howdy ya'all version of collard greens and prepared some for you today.People in southern states and soul food aficionados will read this recipe for two reasons. First, they can't imagine I would have the nerve to make meemaw's signature dish and will be eager to fix my wagon and hush my mouth. Second, they love collards and enjoy reading about them (between meals served with collards). I can never hold a candle to your grandmother, clearly, but it's OK if I do this because my parents are southern. Plus, your Wonkette comrade, elviouslyqueer, has been lighting up Twitter with stories about collard greens. [At least he was when this post was first published, in a different year! - Ed.] You made me hungry, sir. I regret nothing.Collards are typically prepared with meats like ham hocks, smoked turkey necks, and/or bacon. Enterprising vegans can re-imagine the ingredient list with tamari, smoke flavoring, and vegetable broth (serve with pinto beans!). It is virtually impossible to screw up collards. Slow cooking will give everyone enough time to correct flavors. I used Porto in my recipe, and elviouslyqueer uses bourbon (or all of the above). No one is wrong. The only thing that matters is what you like.The following recipe is a small batch appropriate for a few people. If you have guests coming over, double or triple the recipe as needed. Ingredientscollard greens, 1 bunch (soaked, rinsed several times and stems removed) - or -1 bag of pre-cut collard greens (about 16 oz.)3 ham hocksbacon, 3-5 slices, crumbled (optional)butter, for cooking1 yellow onion, chopped2-3 garlic cloves, minced2 c. chicken broth1 tbs. brown sugar, more to taste2-4 tsp. cider vinegarsplotches of Louisiana-style hot saucecayenne peppersalt and pepperPorto or bourbon, some glugsPut the ham hocks in the crock and let them hang out for a few minutes while working on your greens.Fresh bunches of collards can be sandy, and you will need to soak and rinse them several times after removing the stems. Pre-packaged collard greens may have some stems, but only need to be thoroughly rinsed.In a large skillet, fry bacon until crisp and set aside. Reserve the grease, add some butter, and sauté the onion and garlic until tender. Add chicken broth and bring to a boil. Mix in seasonings, hot sauce, vinegar, sugar and booze. Begin adding handfuls of collard greens to the pan, givinging them time to wilt between handfuls. When the collards turn bright green, remove from heat and pour the contents of the skillet (plus crumbled bacon) into the crock. Low heat for eight or more hours, or high heat for at least five hours.Remove the ham hocks, pull off the layer of fat, and pick the meat from the bone. You won't find much but the flavor is worth every morsel. Add the meat back to the pot; adjust the seasonings and heat well before serving. While you're at it, why not sprinkle more crisp bacon on top? Wanda Mae, there is no such thing as too much bacon. Bump up the vinegar when you have some BBQ on the plate. Tang and smoke together, because YASS.When making collards, you will have a resultant liquid called potlikker (or pot liquor). Potlikker is a value-added feature. This savory, dark brew is even better the next day. Potlikker sopped up with cornbread is the best way to go. Enjoy, and have a great Thanksgiving!Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! Click below to fund us for one million more Thanksgivings!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Put Thanksgiving In Your Mouth With Grown-Up Baked Mac And Cheese, For Grown-Ups
    [Note from Evan: I make this every year, with few modifications besides whatever I do on the fly because I am feeling frisky. It takes some time, but oh damn it is worth it.]Baking macaroni and cheese on a Monday night was a miserable experience. I had to boil water, tear the hell out of cheese, make a sauce, and then bake this whole deal before I had a chance to take off my bra. When I finally had time to sit down and browse through Faceborg, about ten million flame wars were happening in the two groups I even care about. Oh, and guess what else? No elbow macaroni on hand! I had to use the nice casarecce pasta I was saving for company.Casarecce looks like ziti on Adderall and it picks up a ton of gooey sauce. It is amazing. Yet here it is on Wonkette in a mac and cheese. [Note from Evan: If you can't find casarecce, just use penne. It's fine.]Listen to me, this was delicious. For the entire five minutes I had to eat my dinner, I didn't have a crap to give. I served our mac and cheese with thyme-stewed Roma tomatoes canned over the summer (BY MYSELF), though you will most likely pop open a can of something and eat it with a parfait spoon. Only God knows what you do, and it's not my business. Ingredients1 box of Casarecce pasta, boiled and drained¾ stick of butter, sliced½ c. all-purpose flour4 c. milk (1 quart okay!)3 c. extra-sharp cheddar, shredded½ small wheel of Brie, skin removed¼ c. crumbled bleu cheese½ c. Parmesan cheeseTopping1 c. breadcrumbs1 c. of cheddar¼ c. Parmesan cheesePreheat the oven to 350º. In a large saucepan, melt the butter on medium heat and mix in the flour until smooth and bubbly. Pour in milk and stir continuously, to thicken the béchamel sauce. Turn the heat to low and stir in the cheese. When it has melted completely, remove from heat and pour in the pasta. Stir it gently.Lightly grease a large casserole pan. Pour in the cheese and pasta and spread it evenly. Shake the remaining cheeses and breadcrumbs in a (sealed) freezer bag until well blended. Top the pasta and bake for about 30 minutes.No, of course this didn't sound difficult. That's because it wasn't you doing it.Everyone in my house was very comforted with mac and cheese for grown-ups. We hugged, AND I managed to clean out the cheese drawer before Christmas. You want lunch? That is good information, and you're taking some green beans with you, too. Enjoy!You want Wonkette to live forever and ever? Click below for give us money!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • President BabySh*ts Actually Tried To LOCK HER UP, Because He's A Garbage Human Being
    Can the breaking news take a fucking break for five seconds so we can start getting in gear for eating nine million calories of food and being thankful for everything we ... No?Fine, go, New York Times:President Trump told the White House counsel in the spring that he wanted to order the Justice Department to prosecute two of his political adversaries: his 2016 challenger, Hillary Clinton, and the former F.B.I. director James B. Comey, according to two people familiar with the conversation.The lawyer, Donald F. McGahn II, rebuffed the president, saying that he had no authority to order a prosecution.Yay, Don McGahn! You fixed-ed the tinpot dictator banana republic tiny-handed shitmouthed bastard president again! So Don McGahn had the lawyers write a big long memo about how that would be the stupidest fucking idea ever, and could end up with the president getting impeached or voted out. We are just hoping he instructed them to make the memo scratch 'n' sniff and full of pussy pictures, because otherwise we guarantee dipshit never read it. The New York Times does say that Trump "has continued to privately discuss the matter," so it's just great that there's no White House counsel anymore to tell the president no. It's even better than that that we're learning this just days after Trump fired the attorney general and jammed a political asslicker named Meatball McPorkchop in without Senate confirmation, in order to do his dirty work at the Department of Justice.Hey you guys, remember this from the debates? Trump Just Suggested Clinton 'Would Be in Jail' if He Were President He is such a fucking garbage human being.But wait, what the hell did he want Comey and Clinton prosecuted for? Oh, just the conspiracy theories he pulls out of his ass and eats for breakfast every morning, but NYT isn't sure exactly which ones. They mention how Trump thinks James Comey leaked classified information, because of course Trump thinks that, because he's the stupidest person who ever lived. They also mention how Comey is one of Robert Mueller's witnesses, SO ... hey, look, more obstruction of justice!NYT also says Trump has had VERY BIG SADS in his tiny black heart that FBI Director Chris Wray refuses to prosecute Hillary Clinton for giving all our uraniums to Russia. Perhaps he is so reticent because the entire Department of Justice knows full well that the Uranium One "scandal" is not a scandal, and that there's no there there. Fucking hell, even Fox News knows that. Or should we say, the "Shep Smith" part of Fox News knows it. How thin-skinned is Donald Trump? This thin-skinned.How much has Robert Mueller known every bit of this story for ages now? THIIIIIIIIIIIS MUCH! Hello, Don McGahn has only spent one million hours spilling his secrets to Mueller at this point.How much is Don McGahn, former White House counsel, suddenly in the newspaper being the hero again? LOLOLOLOL.How funny is it that this leaked less than 24 hours after the newspaper wrote about Ivanka Trump doing BUT HER EMAILS with her dumbass husband? It's pretty funny!In summary and in conclusion, can we stop saying Trump doesn't understand what he can and cannot do as president? Because that's not correct at all. He knows exactly what he can do, and he wants to fundamentally change that, by destroying the United States of America and remaking it in his own perverted scumbag image.Happy holiday week, everyone! The president of the United States is dogshit on the shoe of humanity, but whatcha gonna do? Gonna eat some goddamn turkey, that's what.[New York Times]Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Here Is Barry Obummer Making Fun Of Trump's 'Mommy Issues,' Have A Nice Day!
    Would you like to watch a joyful video featuring America's last competent and smart and sexxxy president, Barry Bamz-A-Lot McGee? Of course you would! You are probably already traveling for Thanksgiving, so STOP WATCHING THIS VIDEO WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING, IDIOT. But if you are not currently operating a motor vehicle, please proceed with this post! Anyway, Barack Obama was saying words at his Obummer Foundation Summit, put on by the Nobummer Foundation, and he was talking about why it's so dang hard for America to actually get Great Again in these trying times. He didn't mention Donald Trump's name, because he only does that when he really wants to, but he sure did list some of the things that are holding us (read: Trump) back. You know, like racism. And "mommy issues."You can see him say it in this video posted by whoever is charge of taking dumps all over the RNC's YouTube account, probably Ronna ROMNEY McDaniel, because they are so very LOLGRRRMAD Obama said this: Barack Obama Trashes Americans: “Confused, Blind, Shrouded With Hate, Anger, Racism, Mommy Issues" Later on he REALLY stuck the knife in Trump's beef body when he said, "I believe in reason and logic and all these enlightenment values." Meanwhile, Donald Trump just screams at clouds and nobody ever knows WTF he is talking about and it's entirely possible his brain has syphilitic wombats in it, and that his Yeti Pubes have fleas. POINT: Obama.Anyway, you'd have mommy issues too if this was your mommy: Know what would REALLY give you mommy issues? If that was your mommy and she always put the Thanksgiving turkey in her Down Theres, because we think that's what Trump meant when he said you have to "gestate" the turkey for a long time, just like mommy did.OK, we are very sorry for all the mental images in your brains right now, so here is Beto O'Rourke cutting flank steak, to sexxx you up and make us all pregnant: That's right. This has been a Thanksgiving message from Barack Obama, Beto O'Rourke's meat, and also yr Wonkette.Now have an OPEN THREAD!Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Maybe Secretary Of State Helped Cover Up Saudi Murder, Maybe He Didn't
    With so many of us traveling for the holidays, here's your friendly reminder to pack your bone saw. And your burlap sack. Also your injectable sedatives and your dismemberment playlist. Assassinations happen, kids, and you don't want to be that jackass who ruins the party by forgetting to pick up supplies!Forgive the gallows humor, but we're in the 912th day of Bone Saw Week, and things are starting to get surreal. Middle East Eye is reporting that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo colluded with the Saudi government to cover up Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman's involvement in journalist Jamal Khashoggi's murder in the Saudi consulate. Middle East Eye, a paper aligned closely with the Turkish government, reports,Saudi Arabia's king and crown prince are shielding themselves from the Jamal Khashoggi murder scandal by using a roadmap drawn up by the US secretary of state, a senior Saudi source has told Middle East Eye.Mike Pompeo delivered the plan in person during a meeting with Saudi King Salman and his son, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, last month in Riyadh, said the source, who is familiar with Pompeo's talks with the Saudi leaders.The plan includes an option to pin the Saudi journalist's murder on an innocent member of the ruling al-Saud family in order to insulate those at the very top, the source told MEE.That person has not yet been chosen, the source said, and Saudi leaders are reserving the use of that plan in case the pressure on bin Salman, also known as MBS, becomes too much.Pompeo went to KSA on October 16 to suggest a cover story? After which the US government spent an entire month stalling for time to allow the "investigation" to take place? Meanwhile, they knew from the jump that this was a hit ordered by Jared Kushner's BFF, and they were waiting for the cover-up to come together?WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?Mike Pompeo vigorously denies MEE's allegations but ABC's reporting confirms that the US government knows damn well who ordered the assassination.[A] State Department official who has seen a version of the CIA's assessment on the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi told ABC News it's "blindingly obvious" that the crown prince, known as MBS, ordered Khashoggi's death."The idea that it goes all the way to the top is blindingly obvious," said the State Department official, speaking on the condition of anonymity."There's overwhelming consensus that the leadership is involved -- no one is debating it within the government," the official said. While saying no doubts are expressed in the report, the official acknowledged that the words "probably" and "likely" are used when attributing the death to the crown prince. The source noted that CIA analysis reports rarely include explicit conclusions.And if there's one thing Donald Trump fears more than rain, it's being forced to feel normal human empathy. So he's refusing to listen to the audiotape of the murder handed over to the CIA by the Turkish government. TRUMP: We have the tape. I don't want to hear the tape. No reason for me to hear the tape.WALLACE: Why don't you want to hear it, sir?TRUMP: Because its's a suffering tape. It's a terrible tape. I've been fully briefed on it. There's no reason for me to hear it. In fact, I said to the people, 'Should I?' They said, 'You really shouldn't.'Did "they?" Did "the people" say that? Okay, tough guy.But rest assured, our government is taking the issue very seriously. Actual official statement from the White House. No, seriously.Whichever staffer gets deputized to edit the loony out of official statements has clearly gone home for Thanksgiving already. Feel free to read the whole thing yourself -- it is CRAY-ZEEEEE! But to summarize, Iran BAD, Saudi Arabia GOOD, Murder BAD, Arms Sales GOOD.After my heavily negotiated trip to Saudi Arabia last year, the Kingdom agreed to spend and invest $450 billion in the United States. This is a record amount of money. It will create hundreds of thousands of jobs, tremendous economic development, and much additional wealth for the United States. Of the $450 billion, $110 billion will be spent on the purchase of military equipment from Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and many other great U.S. defense contractors. If we foolishly cancel these contracts, Russia and China would be the enormous beneficiaries – and very happy to acquire all of this newfound business. It would be a wonderful gift to them directly from the United States! Jamal Khashoggi TERRORIST????, Truth UNKNOWABLE, Morality HOW DOES IT WORK? Representatives of Saudi Arabia say that Jamal Khashoggi was an "enemy of the state" and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, but my decision is in no way based on that – this is an unacceptable and horrible crime. King Salman and Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman vigorously deny any knowledge of the planning or execution of the murder of Mr. Khashoggi. Our intelligence agencies continue to assess all information, but it could very well be that the Crown Prince had knowledge of this tragic event – maybe he did and maybe he didn't!Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. Whatever.Also, suck it HATERS! We got murder machines to peddle. AMERICA FIRST!!!!!!1!!!!I understand there are members of Congress who, for political or other reasons, would like to go in a different direction – and they are free to do so. I will consider whatever ideas are presented to me, but only if they are consistent with the absolute security and safety of America. After the United States, Saudi Arabia is the largest oil producing nation in the world. They have worked closely with us and have been very responsive to my requests to keeping oil prices at reasonable levels – so important for the world. As President of the United States I intend to ensure that, in a very dangerous world, America is pursuing its national interests and vigorously contesting countries that wish to do us harm. Very simply it is called America First!Not seeing a denial here of the US role in a plot to help Mohammed Bone Saw cover up assassinating Jamal Khashoggi. Maybe we did, and maybe we didn't.The point is, Donald Trump really wants to keep lying about the $110 billion in arms sales that is actually $4 billion. And if some of our legal residents with funny names wind up dismembered with their bodies dissolved in acid, well, freedom isn't free. Because in this house, we say Merry Christmas, dammit. Thank you, and GOD BLESS AMERICA.[Middle East Eye / ABC / White House Statement]Follow your FDF on Twitter!Please click here to fund your Wonkette! Do it FOR AMERICA! How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • What The F*ck Is Wrong With Men?
    Yesterday afternoon, a man went to Mercy Hospital in Chicago and killed three people: a pharmacy resident named Dayna Less, a police officer named Samuel Jimenez, and Dr. Tamara O'Neal, the man's former fiancé. The shooter, Juan Lopez, 32, was seen arguing with Dr. O'Neal in the parking lot before taking his gun out and shooting her nine times. People called 911, police arrived. Lopez ran into the hospital and ended up in a shootout with Samuel Jimenez that ended in both of their deaths and the death of Dayna Less. Also, yesterday, a man walked into a Catholic supply store in St. Louis, pulled out a gun, ordered two women to take their clothes off, sexually assaulted them and then shot one of them in the head. She didn't survive, he still hasn't been caught.Also, yesterday, a man in Denver shot five people, killing one, wounding four. No one knows why, and police are still looking for him. That was all in one day.This week, in Colorado, Christopher Watts was sentenced to three life sentences, to be served consecutively, for the murders of his pregnant wife and two children, whom he killed so he could have a "fresh start." He put their bodies in oil tanks. These are all unrelated crimes. The last one didn't even involve a gun, the third one does not appear to be misogyny-related that we know of (though if we find out the guy's got a history of domestic violence, I won't be surprised -- most of them do). But it still just feels like a lot at once. It feels like this never goddamn stops. At the same time, we've got message boards full of incels (who probably already have threads up praising at least one of these men), fucking Nazis and Proud Boys, MGTOWs and Red Pillers and every possible variety of angry men constantly screaming and raging about how they're not getting what they feel the world owes them. It's just goddamned exhausting. I was sitting at the bar when I found out that the Chicago shooter was going after his ex-fiancé. Some of my girlfriends were sitting down the other end, also talking about the shooting, and I walked over to tell them. We talked for a minute about how literally every time this happens it turns out to be some guy with issues with women or a history of domestic violence -- but then some asshole dude, whom I did not know, stood up and started angrily demanding to know whether the shooter was white or black. At that point they hadn't said anything. But this guy, he says, "Well you know he wasn't white because if he was white they'd be going on and on again about another angry white man but do you know the actual statistics on crime in this country? Black men...""Holy shit, I am really going to need you to shut your mouth right now," I told him. He kept going anyway. A friend said, "Dude, she covers this stuff for a living, she knows what she's talking about." I forget what I said, eventually, to shut him up, but eventually he spun back around in his seat and left it alone. Well, he left it alone for 10 minutes, anyway, right up until he walked over to tell me that he has friends who are cops and a cop was also shot. "Yes, I know. It is in the news." He then proceeded to explain to me that he was not racist, but that he had a very fancy MBA and was thus interested in statistics and facts.I think I finally got him to leave on the third "For the love of god I am not interested in anything you have to say." I'm relaying this story now because, you know, it just felt a little too on the nose.Toxic masculinity is literally killing us and I genuinely do not know what the fuck to do about it. I don't know what to do about it when I see it in real life, and I sure as hell don't have any good answers for how to solve it on a larger scale -- outside of mandatory therapy for every man in America. As much as I believe in gun control, it's not the only answer here. Obviously we need more of it and it would sure as hell save a lot of lives -- but it's not the only issue here. Women have guns, too, and we don't see three women in a day going on murder sprees. Out of all the mass shootings we've had since 1982, only three in total have been perpetrated by women. It's almost as if these post-baby boom generations of men, lucky enough to avoid an actual draft, are simply finding a new way to wage war in its absence. But if it were simply that men, in general, are more violent and need some kind of outlet for violence, we wouldn't also have a situation where the vast majority of these entitlement-based mass shootings were carried out by white men. They are losing social power and status and they are retaliating in violence, they are retaliating in organized hate.I am so tired of writing this article. I am so tired of this happening. I am so tired of seeing a mass shooting happen, then waiting a few hours to find out what grievance the shooter had with one woman or all women in general, and then seeing it and going "Yep, just as expected." [ABC7 Chicago]Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to keep us going, if you can!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Ryan Zinke Knows Who Burned Down California, And It Is Hippies
    Ryan Zinke, who is not a geologist (even if he says he is 40 times, he's still not a geologist), is outrageously, utterly, and completely crazy as catshit. For two years now, Yr Wonkette has been sounding the alarms about this grifty bitch. And now he's adding crackpottery too! Now Zinke is using his dumb mouth to blame the hideous California fires -- where hundreds are dead and a thousand are missing -- on ... Environmentalists. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke blamed "environmental radicals" for the California wildfires that have killed at least 77 people, saying they stop forest management practices that could have prevented the fires.Do you see how not smooth he was in blaming tree hugging sap drinkers for fucking the land up so bad that WE ARE MISSING OVER 1000 PEOPLE IN THE FIRES? Pretty sure the Forest Service can find ways to do their jobs even if 1000 people named Sage, Mulberry, and Moonshine yell at them the whole time. What we really mean to say is, FUCK YOU, ZINKE, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, SIR. Zinke went on Breitbart News Sunday and declared "it's not the time for finger-pointing" on the causes of the fires.But minutes later, he put the blame squarely on environmentalists, contending that they stood in the way of clearing brush, doing prescribed burns and other actions.Have you noticed lately that Trump and his staff are becoming EXACTLY the same person, just in different places, and with different dumb ass expressions on their faces when they make shit up for applause, likes or retweets from the MAGA crowd? Trump is still the king of surveying his adoring crowd while onstage, and feeding them all the racism and lies they can swallow (and they have no gag reflexes AT ALL). But Zinke, on the other hand, is his OWN CROWD, and he adores himself just as much as the idiots in the "Fuck your feelings!" t-shirts adore Trump.The Sierra Club weighed in on how dumb this shit was and seemed to think Zinke should find something the fuck to do with his hours and hours and hours a day of free time other than using his mouth or hands to make any more words.The Sierra Club, the nation's largest environmental group, criticized Zinke for his remarks, saying he should instead focus on recovery and the victims of the fires.Well, sure, if you want to understate it a tiny."Perhaps it's the numerous investigations, the potential criminal charges eating at him, or the fact that he still doesn't even know what department the Forest Service is under, but Ryan Zinke would best be served by focusing on the people rather than making disgusting and dangerous accusations," Athan Manuel, the group's public lands director, said in a statement.See how much better that was? Just yell stuff like we do, it's healthier. Also much faster.[The Hill/CNN/USAToday/PBS]Wonkette is independent, ad-free, and needs YOU to help pay our writers a living wage. Be a mensch! We love you! How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Acting A.G. Meatball Will Learn To Law Real Good Now He's Being Sued All The Time
    The good news is that Acting Attorney General Meatball seems to be keeping his big paws off the Mueller investigation for the moment. Because even a scamming moron can see that shutting down a high-profile case with thousands of protesters in the street and incoming House Judiciary Chair Jerry Nadler promising to investigate the shit out of him would be REAL DUMB. Besides which, Matthew Whitaker is spending all his time getting sued right now for being faker than a $27 Prada purse. And less useful.Maryland Attorney General Brian Frosh was first to the party, tacking a challenge to Meatball's appointment onto an existing suit to force the DOJ to enforce the Affordable Care Act. As part of Trump's plan to Make America Great Again by allowing health insurers to discriminate against people with pre-existing conditions, Jefferson Butterbeans Sessions had stopped forcing states to comply with the ACA. With Sessions out, Meatball becomes the named defendant in Maryland's ACA suit, giving the state a vested interest in the legitimacy of the AG appointment. So Maryland is asking the court to designate Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein as the real Acting AG, as laid out in both the Justice Department's succession statute and the older Attorney General Succession Act. Essentially, Maryland is calling bullshit on Trump's argument that the Vacancies Reform Act, which allows for short-term, temporary appointments, lets the White House shoehorn in any lickspittle hack who strokes Trump's orange ass and promises to murder the Mueller investigation. Faced with challenges to the legitimacy of his "short-term" pick to lead the Justice Department, Trump reassured the public that Whitaker will be there for a while yet. Maybe even long enough for Democrats to look away over the holidays and let him stick a knife in the Special Counsel's Office. (Okay, that last part was implied.) Very strategic!At the same time, Senators Blumenthal, Whitehouse, and Hirono are suing to invalidate Whitaker's appointment under the Appointments Clause, arguing that you can't get around the Senate's obligation to sign off on Cabinet nominees by winking and crossing your fingers while swearing that the post is only "temporary." And NO, the fact that the Senate confirmed Whitaker in 2004 as a US Attorney for the Southern District of Iowa does not count because stop it you're embarrassing yourself!The U.S. Senate has not consented to Mr. Whitaker serving in any office within the federal government, let alone the highest office of the DOJ. Indeed, before deciding whether to give their consent to Mr. Whitaker serving in such a role, Plaintiffs and other members of the Senate would have the opportunity to consider his espoused legal views, his affiliation with a company that is under criminal investigation for defrauding consumers, and his public comments criticizing and proposing to curtail ongoing DOJ investigations that implicate the President. Mr. Whitaker would not be able to serve as a principal Officer—and exercise the functions and duties of such an office—until he made the disclosures required of a nominee, answered Senators' questions, and convinced a majority of the Senate's members to give their consent to his confirmation.Sure, Chuck Grassley would probably manage to jam that big, dumb dickhead through the Senate if Trump actually nominated him. But not without ten hours of hearings on Masculine Toilets, failed Iowa real estate deals, patent scams, and whatever else Democrats could unearth. It would be bloody!And speaking of skeletons in the closet, the Office of Government Ethics has been dragging its feet for two weeks now about releasing Whitaker's financial disclosures. FOIA watchdog group American Oversight and former OGE head Walter Shaub are hot on the trail. If Walt Shaub is up your ass, you're having a really, really bad day. What the hell is Meatball hiding? What could possibly be more embarrassing than the Big Dick Energy Toilet? Did he run up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at the Bunny Ranch? Are all his liquid assets sunk into vials of bull semen? It would be irresponsible not to speculate! Oooh, looks like we're about to find out! And on the topic of bull semen, Trump lackey Sam Clovis is back in the news after baring his haunches for the Mueller grand jury. Yahoo reports that Clovis had lots to say about his former campaign treasurer Matt Whitaker during a podcast last week."I know Matt very well, I know him well enough that … we've chatted on the phone a lot. We've texted back and forth," Clovis said.In between commercials for "superior" bull semen and the whistle of a passing train, Clovis said Whitaker "has now been given sole responsibility" for special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into Russia's role in the 2016 presidential race."Clovis predicted Whitaker would "do what is right" with respect to the Mueller probe."He has my 100 percent support and I know he will follow the evidence where it goes, but he will also not let these things get out of out of control … get outside of the confines of what was intended in the special investigator's position here. So, again, I trust Matt Whitaker to do what he's supposed to do," Clovis said.Oh, cool. A witness to the a high-profile criminal investigation having back channel communications with the Justice Department Official supervising it. What could possibly go wrong? On the plus side, the Pleather AG is definitely not smart enough to cover his trail for whatever fuckery he's planning. YOUR MOVE, CHAIRMAN NADLER.[Maryland v. USA / Blumenthal v. Whitaker / Yahoo]Follow your FDF on Twitter!You likin' these lawsplainers? So, click here to fund 'em!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • HOT TAKE: Seth Moulton And His White Friends Should STFU And Hand Nancy Pelosi Her Gavel
    Oh hey, are we still doing this little song and dance where we pretend Nancy Pelosi is not going to be speaker of the House, because #reasons and #principles, so we may instead elect (???? UNDERPANTS GNOME ????), who will immediately rise like the phoenix from Pelosi's lady ashes and ride the Democratic Party into the sunset of peace, love, prosperity and, um, underpants? Cool.Goodnight, wake us up when Pelosi is speaker, OKTHXBYE.Oh, you want us to write other things in this post? Fuck.Monday saw the release of the long-awaited letter from a passel of Democratic moderates who hate that lady Nancy Pelosi, apparently because they've all watched too many RNC commercials about Nancy Pelosi. (And why does the RNC make those commercials about Nancy Pelosi? Is it because she actually is a secret gargoyle devil who eats children, like the commercials say? Or is it because she is the most effective elected congressional Democrat of the last few DECADES, which is way more threatening to the GOP than colorful myths about how Nancy Pelosi prefers a side of barbecue sauce when she eats children? AHEM.)There are 16 Democrats on the list. Nancy Pelosi can only lose 15 if she wants to be speaker, at least with the current count of House Democrats (several races are still outstanding). Of those, 11 are incumbents, and the group skews very "white" and "dude." The other five are brand new arrivals, including Ben McAdams, who looks like he has defeated Mia Love in Utah. That group also skews "white" and "dude."This is who they are:In addition to [New York's Kathleen] Rice [a known asshole -- Ed.], letter signers are Democratic Reps. Tim Ryan (Ohio) [asshole], Seth Moulton (Massachusetts) [total asshole], Ed Perlmutter (Colorado), Kurt Schrader (Oregon), Filemon Vela (Texas), Bill Foster (Illinois), Brian Higgins (New York), Stephen Lynch (Massachusetts), Linda Sánchez (California) and Jim Cooper (Tennessee), as well as Reps.-elect Jeff Van Drew (New Jersey), Joe Cunningham (South Carolina), Max Rose and Anthony Brindisi of New York, and candidate McAdams.Also:The letter does not include at least three additional Democratic lawmakers or members-elect who have confirmed to POLITICO that they intend to oppose Pelosi on the floor: Rep. Conor Lamb of Pennsylvania, Abigail Spanberger of Virginia and Jason Crow of Colorado.Hmmmmm, wonder why they didn't sign? Oh well, who cares.So, if all those people decide to die on this hill for stupid reasons, Nancy Pelosi won't be speaker, and (???? BIGFOOT ????) will be our new speaker and it'll be just great.There is one Democrat who's been mentioned as a possible replacement for Pelosi:Rep. Marcia Fudge of Ohio, a Pelosi critic who is considering a bid for speaker as well, suggested to POLITICO in a Friday interview that Pelosi could possibly win her support should the Californian declare that she will serve for only one more term. Fudge had signed an earlier version of the letter but apparently has withdrawn her signature; she was not on the letter released Monday.The only known replacement is wavering and might go ahead and vote Pelosi. Gotcha.Look, we are thrilled that all these new Democrats have been elected to take the majority away from Republicans. But does this particular cohort of new Democratic babies really want to align itself with boring-ass dicks like Seth Moulton and Tim Ryan? Really? These milquetoast "both sides do it" centrists who think the best thing for the Democratic Party would be to make it Republican-lite again? Wouldn't they rather, y'know, win? Come on now. Can we also just say that this is a ridiculously productive way for us to be spending our time when the real goal is defeating Donald Trump, growing our majority, and taking back the Senate in 2020? Let's have a manufactured and completely unnecessary fight!Speaking of unnecessary fights, for all the media idiots and Republican operatives who want to put Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in a ring together and say "Let's you and her fight," it's not working. Ocasio-Cortez -- not an idiot -- said last night on the MSNBC Chris Hayes TV program that as far as she can see, Nancy Pelosi is the most progressive candidate in the running. And she's right! Nancy Pelosi is progressive as fuck. Ocasio-Cortez added that if anything, the group trying to push Pelosi out is advocating for leadership that is "more conservative." (Since AOC is the one saying it, and not your Editrix, it's possible people will even listen!) And she's right about that too! The people doing this BURN THE WITCH shit are, again, centrist Democrats, some of whom might as well be Republicans, and oh yeah, they're mostly white dudes. Some are incumbents who fuck this particular chicken on the regular, some are brand new Democrats who are under the impression that their promises not to vote for Pelosi on the campaign trail are somehow dealbreakers for their constituents. (Psssssst! Their voters' dealbreaker is healthcare.)And look, we get it. We want new, young blood in the Democratic leadership. It's absolutely essential to move the party forward. And we want Nancy Goddamned Pelosi to teach Young Blood every single thing she knows, so that when the time comes for her to hand the speakership to Young Blood, that person is ready on day one to kick ass. To close out this post, let's look at Seth Moulton of Massachusetts, who did a town hall with his constituents last night. When he explained that he was leading this charge against Nancy Pelosi because that's what Republicans the people want, THE PEOPLE yelled at him and called him a piece of fuck who needs to STFU. It is a happy funtimes video. Helen Claire Sievers of Georgetown, Massachusetts, had thoughts for Moulton. They are good thoughts:"I am deeply upset that you are challenging [potential] Speaker Pelosi with no person that you think would do a better job, no policies that you disagree with. We don't want to do what the Republicans did with their Tea Party people and split our party, and I'm deeply concerned that's what you and your buddies are doing."Hey, anybody ever think of primarying Seth Moulton from the left? That's one contest this Hillary-crat right here could get behind!Wake us up when Madame Speaker has been handed her gavel, please.[Politico / WBUR]Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!HI! Wonkette needs YOU to pay our writers a living wage. Thank you, we love you. How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Walmart No Longer Stocking GOP Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith's Economy-Brand Racism
    You know the political winds have turned against Republicans when they're worried about losing a Senate seat from Mississippi. But that's where they're at now and it couldn't have happened to a crappier group of super villains. Monday, the New York Times ran a story with one of its classic eye-rolling headlines: "In Mississippi, Issues of Race Complicate a Special Election." I didn't have coffee this morning. That "complicates" my day. We aren't talking about minor inconveniences here. Republican Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith has joked about public lynchings and voter suppression in a state with a shameful history of both. She's not auditioning for the hosting gig at the next White House Correspondents Dinner. She's trying to win the upcoming runoff election against Democrat Mike Espy. A special election for the Senate in Mississippi has become a test of racial and partisan politics in the Deep South, as a Republican woman, Cindy Hyde-Smith, and an African-American Democrat, Mike Espy, compete for the last Senate seat still up for grabs in the 2018 midterm campaign. This is odd phrasing. Espy is described as an "African-American Democrat," which is relevant to the story, but Hyde-Smith is described as just a "Republican woman." Are we not supposed to know she's white? The article seriously never mentions it. I used all the advanced technology at my disposal to confirm. The New York Times I guess if you forget about soon-to-be-former House member Mia Love, "Republican woman" is basically synonymous with "white woman." But it wouldn't have hurt for the Times to say it outright. It's not like they're covering one of Donald Trump's "false or misleading" statements. It's also somewhat the point of the whole article: Mississippi is racially polarized and white politicians usually just ignore minorities outright or make subtle, coded racial appeals to "law and order." It's expected that they'd, for instance, slam Barack Obama because he's "not like us." "Us" means white. Overtly racist appeals, though, make you look like you're standing in front of a public school refusing to let black students enter. It creates, as the Times puts it, "discomfort among educated whites." I guess it takes an advanced degree to produce mild discomfort over lynching humor. Hyde-Smith has responded horribly to all this. She's "retreated" from the campaign trail and won't actually apologize for her comments. An internal Republican poll has her lead over Espy down to just five points. That's some effective voter suppression but they could do better. The senator has focused on turning out her conservative white base, and Donald Trump will fly in to campaign for her -- unless, of course, it rains. Meanwhile, she's made some feeble attempts at not appearing like an antagonist from BlacKkKlansman. Her campaign returned a $2,700 donation from Seattle businessman Peter Zieve, the CEO of aerospace supplier Electroimpact. Zieve was sued for discriminating against Muslims in his hiring practices. He considers Middle Eastern refugees "terrorist savages" and offered $1,000 "marriage" and "child" bonuses. The latter might seem like some Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pro-family dream legislation, but it actually was targeted at Zieve's mostly white, male employees so they could prevent the US from being "backfilled with rubbish from the desperate and criminal populations of the Third World." He seems nice. Zieve donated to the campaign of a senator thousands of miles away shortly after her "public hanging" video went viral. He claims there's no connection. He just "believes she's a Republican." I suspect the major Trump donor also believes she's something else. Hyde-Smith's campaign will lose more money this week, and it's not even Black Friday yet. After national treasure Debra Messing publicly shamed them on Twitter, slave-labor retailer Walmart asked that Hyde-Smith return their $2,000 donation. (Walmart is great about negotiating discounts from suppliers -- it apparently picked up Hyde-Smith's racism for more than 25 percent less than Zieve.) I presume Walmart will permit Hyde-Smith to continue purchasing her outfits from them. This is a lot of bad press a week before the special election. What Hyde-Smith really needs is an unrelated, irrelevant distraction. I wonder if the Times could help out a lady of undetermined ethnicity? If Ms. Hyde-Smith's conduct has put her campaign in jeopardy, Mr. Espy has been grappling with baggage of his own. Republicans have assailed him for working as a lobbyist, and for having been indicted in the 1990s on corruption charges of which he was eventually acquitted. On social media and in advertisements, Republicans have tried to tie the moderate Mr. Espy to liberals, including the billionaire donor George Soros and former President Barack Obama. Seriously, what's with these people? Their "both sides" dogma drove them to pull the same BS on Andrew Gillum -- equating the barest whisper of scandal to the Republican candidate's very loud bigotry. And where Hyde-Smith's political problems are self-inflicted, the Times presents typical GOP dirty tricks as Espy's own "baggage." It's also completely irresponsible to repeat the right-wing urban legend of George Soros as some sort of nefarious liberal puppet master. But hey, it's the Times! It would be irresponsible not to be irresponsible! This is the sort of mealy-mouthed journalism that lets the GOP get away with 1950s Dixiecrat, race-baiting that would shame Lee Atwater. It's especially vile when Republicans say this about black politicians from Southern states with a significant black population (they also accused Stacey Abrams of being too "radical" for Georgia). The Southern black electorate is why Barack Obama won the 2008 primaries. Yet Obama is the socialist Kenyan "outsider" who doesn't belong and New York native Donald Trump, who I wager never set foot in Mississippi until 2016, is a "good ol' boy." What exactly are the "Mississippi values" that neither Booker and Espy possess but Hyde-Smith and the thrice-married, pussy-grabber-in-chief hold in abundance? Don't waste your time trying to figure it out. Just go here to donate to Espy's campaign. Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter. Yr Wonkette is ad-free and supported ONLY by reader donations! Politicians aren't begging you for money any more so give us some!
  • How Can Ivanka Be President When She Can't Even Send Emails Without Putting The Entire Nation At Risk?
    Russia, if you're listening! we hope you can find Ivanka Trump's 33,000 missing emails, because how does she have that many emails? Does she sit down all day and just keep typing?LOL, we are to make joke! Those are all things Donald Trump said about Hillary Clinton's emails! Our point in this post is not to act like we actually think somebody using private emails for a couple months while in government service is that big a deal, but simply to point out that all these hypocritical Trump Republican motherfuckers need to go fuck themselves with an AOL free trial floppy disk.So yes, it's true. Ivanka Trump used a private account for a while last year, even though she was a senior official in the White House who has duties that we're almost 100% certain exist. We are sure that, just like Hillary's emails about yoga pants and "The Good Wife," Ivanka was simply using her private email address to order pizzas, and there was never anything in there involving massive conflicts of interest between her business and her government position. And it's probably not any sort of big deal how Ivanka's husband is BFFs with Mohammed Bone Saw of Saudi Arabia, who gives orders to have American permanent residents who work for the Washington Post bone-sawed to death, and then winks at the Trump administration because they know they can get away with anything with those fuckers. Surely MBS never sent Jared any cat .gifs on the private account, which Jared then forwarded to Ivanka, because seriously, look at this kitten, AWWWWW MR. PAWS?Nah, no big deal, it's fine.Ivanka Trump sent hundreds of emails last year to White House aides, Cabinet officials and her assistants using a personal account, many of them in violation of federal records rules, according to people familiar with a White House examination of her correspondence.White House ethics officials learned of Trump's repeated use of personal email when reviewing emails gathered last fall by five Cabinet agencies to respond to a public records lawsuit. That review revealed that throughout much of 2017, she often discussed or relayed official White House business using a private email account with a domain that she shares with her husband, Jared Kushner.They had their own domain?! Like you could email and she would get the email? This is ... basically the same thing Hillary Clinton did, minus the private server. (Factcheck: It was "" Also, we kind of have known about this for over a year now.) Only difference we can see is that Ivanka and Jared have totally been skimming off the top and using their public positions for private gain, and probably also have committed other crimes we can't even think of this early in the morning. You think Ivanka "quit" her business? PFFFFFT YOU FOOL, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?Notice the timestamp on this article: The grift has been going on THE WHOLE TIME. Wonder if she ever did her public-private grifting IN HER EMAILS, huh?According to WaPo, "some advisers" to Trump are "alarmed" because this is just a really bad lewk, for Ivanka to be like "Oh I didn't know I was doing a #Bad," after her dad spent the entire campaign talking about Her Fucking Emails, and continues to spend all his Hitler rallies talking about Her Fucking Emails, while the barely sentient diabetic goats in the audience scream "LOCK HER UP!" Presumably Ivanka Trump has heard a thing or two about emailing #BestPractices in the past couple of years.Also according to WaPo, "some aides" are worried because holy shit, she did a LOT OF EMAILS on this private domain, and Ivanka's reaction to these revelations is apparently like "What?" These people needn't worry, or at least they need to get off the Trump cult sauce for a second and remember that Donald Trump's supporters don't actually care if Hillary Clinton is the world's greatest email monster, and will not suddenly have a light bulb happen in their brain come on when they realize Ivanka is doing the same damn thing. They are not those kinds of people, by which we mean the kinds of people who are physically able to process normal brain thoughts. Peter Mirjanian, spokesperson for Abbe Lowell, who is not only Ivanka's personal lawyer but also Jared Kushner's lawyer for the Mueller probe, says don't worry about this a bit, because she didn't send any classified state secrets on her private account. We are sure that is totally true and she only used it for "logistics and scheduling concerning their family," as their statement says. We are also very confident that if any of Jared Kushner's Russian emails accidentally got sent on their private domain -- because again, we have known about the domain for quite a while now, and we're not sure why everybody is treating this story like THE FUCK YOU SAY? -- they definitely never got CCed to Ivanka, because that would simply be improper.And again, she DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS DOING A BAD. Because apparently, like father like daughter, she is a fucking idiot.Or maybe, like Melania, Ivanka just REALLY DOESN'T CARE, DO U?, because these people do not give a fuck what you think.Or they're just lying.Anyway, BUT HER EMAILS, the end.[Washington Post]Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!HI. IT IS THANKSGIVING. WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY OUR WRITERS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR US, MAYBE SOME MONEY? How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • In Georgia, The Election's Not QUITE Over Yet
    It is time for us to travel back to Georgia for a spell; but unlike Gladys Knight and the Pips, we are not taking the Midnight train, and we are not going back to find a "simpler place in time." (Ain't nobody nostalgic for the "good old days" because "racist.") Oh no, Dear Readers, we are going back to Georgia for a runoff election! Democrats, backing John Barrow for secretary of state in Georgia, are desperate to find a way to minimize the impact of voter suppression, while also hoping to find themselves victorious after a devastating loss* for Stacey Abrams. For many Americans nationwide, that questionable loss was not just a loss for Abrams, for Democrats, or for Black voters in the South; the outright vote theft was instead a loss for our democratic system of government. The Abrams race shined a light on the myriad of ways that the state's voting system could and had been manipulated by a secretary of state who was utterly lacking in integrity. Democratic candidate John Barrow, who describes himself as a "raging centrist" (that means "socialist" in GOP speak), served in the US House of Representatives for Georgia's 12th district from 2005 to 2014, before being taken out by Republican Rick Allen (who maybe hates immigrants) during that hellscape of a midterms we saw brutalize Democrats and boost Republicans. Barrow will again be facing Republican Brad Raffensperger, who received more votes than Barrow yet did not make it to the 50 percent threshold he needed to secure an outright victory.Barrow is nothing like Brian Kemp, who has such failures as Tom Price on his transition team, and is now the illegitimate governor-elect of Georgia. Kemp, if you recall, only vacated his secretary of state post AFTER striking 1.4 million voters from the rolls, and suppressing countless thousands of other votes. What Democrats -- and democracy -- need now is for John Barrow to win and implement the changes to Georgia's voting system that he proposed during his debate with Raffensperger in October.If elected, Barrow said he would decertify Georgia's direct-recording electronic voting machines, which don't leave a verifiable paper trail showing voters' intent. State legislators plan to consider buying a new statewide voting system next year, but Barrow said Georgia's touchscreens are too unsafe to continue using in the meantime.John Barrow is known to folks who follow Georgia politics, and the GOP in Georgia has done all manner of things to try to shake him off. Barrow is like a hungry dog focused on a tasty meat-bone when it comes to representing his state. That may be why Republicans decided to literally rewrite the district lines to try to erase John Barrow from Georgia politics. It didn't work. So they did it again.Local Republican and Democratic officials agree that many in the area know Barrow, a Harvard-educated lawyer from Athens who became a friendly and familiar face around the district, which Republicans in the state Legislature reconfigured twice in an effort to unseat him.GOP official Dave Barbee says of Barrow:"He didn't vote my way. He was constantly on the other side of the aisle," he said. "He said he is centrist, but he's liberal."In a state known for some SUPER sketchy practices, like somehow "wiping" (ACCIDENTALLY) the state's election server of voting data immediately after a lawsuit was filed by election reform advocates, the voters have a clear choice. Do they want cheaters to prosper, or nah? Kemp, who refused to resign during the election he was busy tampering with, was secretary of state's office during the data wipe, and Raffensperger shows absolutely NO SIGN of having any intentions whatsoever of changing what's working for the (cheating for Republicans). This may be what led to the Libertarian candidate, J. Smyth Duval, deciding to endorse John Barrow over his GOP competition."John Barrow is the best choice to represent the interests of all Georgia citizens including independents, Libertarians, and fiscal conservatives," he said.Kudos to Duval for doing the right thing for his state. Georgia is a state with a rich history of black liberation activism that is often juxtaposed with oppression, repression, and oppression. Names like Julian Bond, Martin Luther King Jr., and John Lewis are as much Georgia's legacy as their tired looking Confederacy infused state flag (Stacey burned that muthafucking flag, y'all!). Monuments like Stone Mountain are constant reminders of horrifying racial tragedies, like that time in 1912 when Forsyth County drove each and every last one of their 1098 black residents out, and became an all white enclave for generations.Although the reminders of the past are visible and ever present, it is no longer 1912, and black people have now gained enough political power to lobby for their own interests. Stacey Abrams, who has harnessed her energy to fight the "gross mismanagement" of Georgia's elections through her group "Fair Fight Georgia" is also backing John Barrow for secretary of state, and urging her supporters to push Barrow across the finish line.Early voting will begin next week, on November 26. Barrow and his allies in the Georgia Democratic Party do realize they are facing an uphill battle, but they are determined to fight until the last vote is counted. For those of you in DeKalb County, Georgia, voting locations have been posted, so make sure to bother and harass everyone you know to get their asses to the polls. We will leave you with John Barrow, he's a Democrat, his teeth are sharp, but we swear he won't bite ya.*Stacey Abrams did not lose, Brian Kemp cheated.[barrowforgeorgia/The Root/AJC/HuffPo/APNews/WaPo/]Wonkette is ad-free and supported ONLY by YOU. If you can, please tip us below to help us pay for liquor, baby shoes, and a living wage for our writers! How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • 'Russia, If You're Listening...' Wonkagenda For Tues., Nov. 20, 2018
    Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today. Now that the election is over, all the soldiers Trump sent to the southern US border to protect us from the little brown babies about to invade Texas with their taco trucks are coming home. Contrary to statements made by DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen that say "all northbound lanes" at the San Ysidro, California, border crossing are closed, the general in charge tells Politico the border is open, there's no imminent threat of a "mob" of Mexican-Muslim taco trucks, and now that that they've finished building Trump's temporary wall, they're going to send engineers and logisticians home first.A federal judge has temporarily blocked Trump's Mexican ban, noting that it doesn't matter what port of entry someone comes to claiming asylum. The judge added that Trump's Mexican ban would make asylum seekers "choose between violence at the border, violence at home, or giving up a pathway to refugee status," and that Trump can't just override Congress because he's butthurt about the taco trucks on every corner. Irony is officially dead now that WaPo is reporting Ivanka Trump sent hundreds of emails from her personal account last year. Crooked Vanky says she didn't know she was criming, and her lawyer says it was totes different from Hillary because Vanky's emails bounced around Microsoft servers, not a secured private server, and were about scheduling and travel (a violation of federal records laws), not classified retroactively. Besides, Crooked Vanky started sending public records through her private account during the transition. LOCK HER UP!After pissing in the face of veterans and military members on Veterans Day/Remembrance Day (and then laughing about it), there's more pressure on Trump to visit a combat zone. Anonymous minions say Trump has privately groused about long flights to "shithole countries" that don't serve cheeseburgers, and add that Trump will spend Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago (again). There's no price tag for the new throwback Army uniforms, but soldiers will certainly be able to put on a fashion show for the fam! The 1950s-style dress greens are coming back, as are the brown leather jump boots, bomber jackets, and fry cook-style garrison caps. The new regs are fuzzy; it'll be up to commanders and government sectors to decide what soldiers wear (like berets vs caps, or dress blues vs throwback greens), but it's all part of our new blind rush towards fascism. Speaking of abusive government waste and fascism, new cost estimates for Trump's SPACE FORCE are bucking the initial projections by the Air Force. Most pencil pushers think the Air Force was acting in "malicious compliance," billing Uncle Sam an ungodly sum of money to shoot guns in space in an effort to smother a laughably redundant program before lift off.The lede to this WaPo profile on Ryan Zinke's likely successor, David Bernhardt, starts with him wrecking his jeep in rush hour traffic while choking on a breakfast burrito, and it's a rather fitting analogy for how he's been instrumental in selling public land to oil companies who are skull fucking Mother Earth. He's got so many conflicts of interest from his years as a smarmy lawyer fighting California water restrictions he needs to carry a small card listing them all. Snotty hardline Republican senators Tom Cotton and Mike Lee got into a spat on Twitter yesterday over Jared Kushner's white collar prison reform bill. The crux of their beef seems to center around the accumulation of "Good Time" credits. Jesus Christ, these two should just beat the shit out of each other in a dirty mens room, like in the old days.Rep-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sounded off against that letter to block Nancy Pelosi from reclaiming the speaker's gavel on Chris Hayes last night. She specifically noted that the petition is overwhelmingly full of white dudes, and the party just elected a bunch of women and brown people. [Video]Stacey Abrams is calling bullshit on the Georgia election. In a new interview with NPR, she says she was almost denied an early voting ballot herself. Last night, Abrams told Chris Hayes that, "it was not a free and fair election," and Republican state Secretary Brian Kemp "oversaw for eight years the systematic dismantling of our democracy." [Video]Democratic Salt Lake City Mayor Ben McAdams claimed victory over Republican Rep. Mia Love last night after a last minute lead of 739 votes. The race isn't over yet, and Love hasn't conceded, but it's looking more and more likely that McAdams prevails. Mississippi Republican Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith just gave back $2,700 from a racist Seattle businessman known for discriminating against Muslims in order to present the appearance of shame before Trump starts blowing dog whistles for her in her runoff election. FUN FACT: Almost every Republican in the Houston area was wiped out of public office. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!All throughout the the Southwest, Latino people have helped push Democrats over the decayed Republican humps keeping a death grip on public offices. #BLUEWAVEY'ALL! Check out this campy official portrait of Christ Christie unveiled by people who haven't been been indicted (yet). #HesNotRunningA gang of white supremacist Florida men were busted by the ATF. Police found 110 illegal weapons, including guns, pipe bombs, and a friggin' rocket launcher, along with several POUNDS of meth and fentanyl. So much for the master race!Italy suffered a massive cyber attack to its certified email system, potentially exposing the private communiques of the country's top politicos, military brass, and ministers. There's no evidence (yet) that Russia was behind the attack, but geeks are still giving Putin the stink eye.Fun Fact: Facebook is now dodging invitations from eight parliaments to explain just what the fuck it's doing with the personal information of over two billion people. So far Facebook has dodged Argentina, Australia, Canada, Ireland and the UK, but yesterday it added Brazil, Latvia, and Singapore to the list of governments Mark Zuckerberg is blowing off. Trump's comms team is worried about drowning in the press pool after a judge bitch slapped them for taking Jim Acosta's hard pass. Yesterday they announced Acosta would get his creds back, but they were also issuing new "rules" that limit reporters to one question, and other mic dropping nonsense that nobody is taking seriously. After hearing about the new rules, Lou Dobbs told everyone to "go to hell," then brought on Diamond and Silk to show everyone that he has black friends.That New Jersey couple who asked people on the interwebs to donate money for a homeless Marine veteran are being accused of a running a big, fat Trumpian con job. Yesterday, a lawyer for Kate McClure released audio where McClure argues with her boyfriend, Mark D'Amico, about the scheme and conveniently tries to blame everything on him.Carolyne Cass, the lady lying jackasses Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman claimed was raped by Robert Mueller in 2010, says the dodgy shit show was a case of mistaken identity and a farce. SHOCKER! ICYMI: Axios HATES people calling them out as bottom feeding whores with man purses full of moisty-naps, so it was no surprise that Axios co-founder Jim VandeHei called up a journo to bitch her out for saying mean words in the nerdy Columbia Journalism Review. This fucker actually had the balls to pull out a "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM," as if people (outside of the Trump White House) actually respect Axios's lack of ethics and "deep dives" into the kiddy pool.And here's your morning Nice Time! Plains-wanderer chicks! Plains-wanderer chicks Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram!We're 100% ad-free and reader-supported, so consider buying us coffee, or get a subscription! How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • GOP Like 'F*ck Yeah, Dude, Let's Piss On The Guy Who Killed Bin Laden!'
    OK we know -- we know -- that Donald Trump is shittier to the troops than any president of the United States who ever lived. He routinely denigrates their service, he doesn't visit them in warzones, he can't be bothered to show up for veterans, he can't even lay a damn wreath at Arlington National Cemetery on Veterans Day. He invents stupidass reasons to ship them away from home during the holidays, and by "reasons" we mean scaring racist white people with mirages of marauding hordes of caravan people was his entire midterm election strategy. (Maybe that's why his approval rating among active duty troops is in the process of sliding into hell.) We know that it's baked in that his followers are such a brainwashed cult that they either will deny Trump is shitty to the troops, or they will come up with reasons why it's OK for him to be terrible, where if Barack Obama had done one quarter of one percent of the stuff Trump does to the troops, Fox News would be calling for impeachment. WE KNOW.Retired Admiral William McRaven led the Navy SEAL team that fucking murdered Osama bin Laden upon Barack Obama's orders, many decades after bone spurs foreclosed on what were surely Donald Trump's dreams of serving America in the military. The night it happened, Donald Trump was trying not to cry in public because Obama was makin' fun of him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. McRaven wrote a column a while back saying that if the president was going to be revoking the security clearances of heroes like John Brennan, then please sir, take his away too. Obviously that made Trump mad, so he finally responded during his interview with Fox News's Chris Wallace. He kept childishly barking "Hillary! Clinton! Fan!", effectively cutting Wallace off from asking him about the Navy SEAL who killed bin Laden, who also happens to think Trump should go jump off a bridge. Trump said McRaven should have killed bin Laden faster.Trump doubled down on Twitter today. Oh, he didn't mention McRaven there, but his intention was clear. Of course, he's full of shit, because when McRaven got the order to go fuckin' kill bin Laden, he went and fuckin' killed bin Laden.Here's the guy who claims he fired the kill shots into bin Laden's brain, reminding us that actually that night's events had nothing to do with politics: Now, this is the point where the rest of the GOP usually tends to pretend it's been studiously avoiding Trump's Twitter feed and claims it hasn't even been following the news, so when mean journalists say things like "Are you on board with Donald Trump tweeting that it's time to rape the puppies," it can feign ignorance. (FACTCHECK: Trump has never tweeted that, so far.)Not this time, buddy! Oh go fuck yourself, Ronna ROMNEY McDaniel or whomever is on Twitter duty today at GOP HQ today. Yes, McRaven was a possibility as a Hillary Clinton running mate. He was also on Trump's short list for national security adviser, but instead Trump gave it to a literal actual foreign agent traitor who's now a cooperating witness in the Robert Mueller investigation, due to be sentenced in a matter of weeks.So there is your modern GOP, folks. They have decided, after being spanked in the midterms in the House (while barely squeaking out a Senate win on a map that couldn't have been more favorable to them if they had drawn it themselves), to tether themselves to Trump fully. May they be rewarded for that as richly as they deserve.It's worth noting, of course, that the tweet above is getting ratio-ed to death, so that's fun.Anyway, please remember this next time anybody in the Republican party ties a yellow ribbon 'round their dick and asks you to swallow the bullshit notion that they are the party of the troops. They don't give a solitary fuck about the troops.They don't even respect the guy who fucking killed bin Laden.God bless America, indeed.Oh hey, this is your OPEN THREAD.Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • WAIT A MINUTE. Is The FBI Actually Going To Go After Rightwing Domestic Terrorists???
    The Proud Boys are a violent Republican street gang of losers who scream about "Western Chauvinism" while trying to reenact the worst scenes from A Clockwork Orange. They have been classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center (and by Wonkette, though our take is less official), and now they are officially classified as an "extremist group with ties to white nationalism" by the FBI, which tends to be a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to these things. The classification was revealed in a document obtained by the government transparency Property of The People related to an internal affairs investigation of Erin Willey, a Vancouver, Washington, deputy who was fired from her job after being photographed wearing a "Proud Boys' Girls" sweatshirt -- which she may have manufactured and sold herself. The document was sent to reporters at The Guardian, who then contacted law enforcement to authenticate it. The photo was sent to The Columbian newspaper, which then reported it to law enforcement. Authorities suspect the source of the video was Willey's ex-boyfriend, Graham Jorgenson, a Proud Boy himself who was bitter about Willey breaking up with him and wanted to ruin her career. There is a lesson here for women who think that siding with misogynists means that the misogynists won't eat their faces. I officially apologize, by the way, for not knowing there was a Proud Boys Ladies Auxiliary, but in my defense there are only like ... three of them. The document states: The FBI categorizes the Proud Boys as an extremist group with ties to White Nationalism. The FBI has warned local law enforcement that the Proud Boys are actively recruiting in the Pacific Northwest and that some in the group have contributed to the escalation of violence at political rallies held on college campuses, and in cities like Portland, Oregon and Seattle, Washington.According to the author of the document, the FBI has actually classified the Proud Boys as an extremist group since at least August, though this is the first time that classification has been made public:The author of the document, headquarters commander Michael McCabe, is in charge of internal affairs, training, background investigation and courthouse security in the Clark county sheriff's department.After confirming the authenticity of the document, he told the Guardian in a telephone interview that the FBI's classification of the Proud Boys as an extremist group was revealed to him in "a briefing we were given by the FBI" on 2 August, at Clark county's west precinct.Willey's case is far from the first time right-wing extremists have invaded law enforcement. The FBI itself published a report on members of white nationalist groups infiltrating law enforcement in 2006, so this has been an ongoing problem for a while now -- just not one the DOJ had an appetite to do anything about once rightwingers began screaming and yelling that calling domestic terrorists domestic terrorists just wasn't fair to domestic terrorists. The FBI taking the Proud Boys seriously enough to classify them as an extremist group, while a bit late, is still important and still helpful. It gives us leverage in taking them down and may make it more difficult for them to radicalize others. It makes it easier to keep their members from infiltrating law enforcement. It makes it harder to blow the things they say off as "jokes" and rebellious opposition to "political correctness." Gavin McInnes, the founder of the group, is still trying to push the line that even though they go around beating people up, they are simply a wee innocent "men's fraternal organization." There are politicians who openly associate with the Proud Boys, and certain Roger Stones out there who use them as security. There are a lot of people out there who will blow off an SPLC classification as a hate group, because they think the SPLC is just an organization that exists to be mean to conservatives. While some of those people may blow off an FBI designation as well, those who are not already fully radicalized may be more likely to be put off by it. Or, you know, one hopes they will be. [The Guardian] Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Trump Knows What Forests Need, And It Is Yardwork
    Can you believe we haven't discussed #RakeGate yet? It seems like it was many moons ago, but we guess it was just this past weekend, as Donald Trump went to visit the California town of Pleasure Intimacy BoneZone Fleshlight NipplePlay Buttfuck Canyon PARADISE, which has been just about wiped off the map by wildfires. (No really, he called it "Pleasure." Because he doesn't give a fuck what it's called, first of all, and because he's an absolute moron.)We joked last week -- either to ourselves or during one of our chats with Jesus -- that Trump was probably going to fly out to California to throw paper towels at the forest fires, because it worked so well when he threw them at hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. Of course, that would have been bad, because of how paper towels are made out of, ahem, paper, which has a tendency to burn. He didn't do that, but he did have a solution for forest fires, and it is just some good old-fashioned yardwork: President Trump Remarks on Northern California Wildfire Disaster "You've got to take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forests, it's very important," Trump told reporters as he posed with California officials in the charred ruins of Paradise — his first stop on the tour.Trump went on to explain that the president of Finland, whom he met on an overseas trip a week earlier, told him about raking the forest floors. "He called it a forest nation," Trump said, "and they spent a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things, and they don't have any problem."It wasn't the first time he said this, of course. Captain Dipshit has got raking ON THE BRAIN. He said it to Fox News's Chris Wallace in the Oval Office, when they met for their wackjob interview. "I was watching the firemen the other day, and they were raking areas. They were raking areas! They're raking trees, little trees like this — nut trees, little bushes, that you could see are totally dry. Weeds! And they're raking them. They're on fire." THEY WERE RAKING THE AREAS!We are almost tempted to say we shouldn't ruin Donald Trump's joy and let him just keep thinking only rakes can prevent forest fires. But nah, let's be really mean to him, like we always are.If you click over to Fox News to watch the video, you'll see our favorite thing, when Wallace asks Trump if just maybe climate change might be contributing to the forest fires, and Trump just blows right past it to talk about raking. We all know Trump is a climate-change-denying idiot, but it's something in the tone of his voice, a certain eagerness to get to what he really wants to talk about, blah blah blah "climate change" HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "RAKES"?But look, you assholes, STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM, because apparently Trump supporters are emailing the Washington Post to tell them that Trump is not stupid, YOU ARE STUPID, because obviously Trump was talking in very technical terms about special rakes you don't even understand because that's how dumb you are. (Survey says LOL fuck off, that fuckhead was talking about regular old rakes.)But look, you assholes, FOR REAL STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM, because he wouldn't have said that if Sauli Niniisto, the president of Finland, hadn't told him that the reason they don't have forest fires in Finland is because they just can't stop raking leaves. (NARRATOR: The Finnish president did not tell him that.)The Finnish, they are LOLing at the stupid dumbass goddamn clownfucker president of the United States. We love the Finnish right now: And that is the story of how if Lapdance, California, just did some more yardwork, none of this would have happened, according to the barely elected president of the United States of America.If you would like to donate to the victims of these awful fires, NBC News has a list of the best places to throw your money. Click it.[Washington Post]Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Trump Admin Will Protect 4-H Cows From Gay Kids
    Remember when access journalist Maggie Haberman claimed Donald Trump would be a queer ally to the LGBT community? This wasn't quite Judith Miller level stupidity but it's starting to get there. The Trump administration has over the past two years proven overtly hostile to LGBT rights; they tried to bounce transgender soldiers from the armed forces and later attempted to completely "unperson" all trans people. Trump has never even acknowledged Pride month, unless you count his tweeting out support for a Supreme Court ruling in favor of a baker who refused to make a "gay" wedding cake. Now, we learn the Trump administration doesn't even want LGBT kids in 4-H, the agriculture-oriented youth organization that teaches children responsibility and resiliency, the latter of which is especially useful if you're a LGBT kid in Trump's America. 4-H had published an inclusion guidance early this year that stated the group welcomed "all gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientations and sexes." Children feeling safe and wanted is vital to their development. LGBT kids can also face the torturous choice between living openly and losing their place in peer groups and extracurricular activities. These inclusion guidelines were "safety nets" for queer youth, so of course conservative Christian groups were quick to rebuke them. Can't have God's Unwanted Children using the bathrooms or locker rooms that correspond to their gender identity. Former (I'll get to that in a bit) Iowa 4-H state director John-Paul Chaisson-Cárdenas said that the new set of rules led to heated debate from both sides of the issue. Some people are calling to say "Thank you. Go. Thank you for doing this. We need this. This affected my life when I was in 4-H," Chaisson-Cárdenas said, "and then you have people saying, you know, 'The wrath of God will fall upon you.'" Hmm, OK, so one side is all "this affects me on a deeply human level" and the other is "argle bargle, fire and brimstone!" Guess which "argument" was more compelling to the Trump administration? Within days of the policy's publication early this year, Heidi Green, chief of staff for US Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue, requested that it be rescinded. She no longer has this job because that was months ago and this is the Trump administration we're talking about. It's like the black plague over there. Christian groups pressured 4-H leaders to remove the document, and a Christian law firm threatened to sue on likely dubious and discriminatory legal grounds. Some groups folded, but Chaisson-Cárdenas, the only statewide Latino director in 4-H's history, resisted. Chaisson-Cárdenas, who's dyslexic and a former Guatemalan refugee, had reason to believe in inclusion. He remained steadfast in his view that 4-H was for "all kids," from all backgrounds, and not simply the life experiences that narrow-minded people believed was "appropriate." Some conservative 4-H volunteers, leaders, former members and overall crappy people described the inclusion policy as a "fascist push to redefine humanity" (these creeps always Princess Bride the word "fascist"). They also literally claimed that transgender children were "sinful" and "horrendous." If you feel this way about any child, you're the one who doesn't belong within a thousand feet of an organization dedicated to helping children "reach their fullest potential." Turning children into "little boxes made of ticky tacky" is not a noble goal. Chaisson-Cárdenas received death threats from people I'm sure identify as "pro-life." He still pushed back. "I guess I am not sure why we are valuing the propaganda machine of a recognized hate group over the existing rights of LGBTQ youth?" Chaisson-Cárdenas wrote in reference to WorldNetDaily, an alt-right online publication that extensively covered the dust-up in Iowa. The pressure from Green and the Trump administration led to 4-H retracting the guidance. Josh Lawrence, vice president of Iowa State University's Extension and Outreach, which oversees Iowa's 4-H program, disciplined Chaisson-Cárdenas and questioned his judgment and professionalism. He was given the option to resign in May or "next steps would be taken." Chaisson-Cárdenas declined this generous offer and instead held firm in his belief that xenophobia is "pervasive within 4-H" and that an updated inclusion policy with specific protections for LGBT members was necessary. He was fired in August.Weird, huh, that while the media was lamenting the aborted dinner plans of Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the Trump administration was continuing its work behind the scenes to make life miserable for LGBT Americans. It's why I have so little sympathy for people who themselves possess little sympathy. They deserve all the public shunning (not harassment, as Jennifer Rubin clarified, but shunning) they receive. Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter. Yr Wonkette is ad-free and supported ONLY by reader donations! Politicians aren't begging you for money any more so give us some!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • White House Brain Trust Flips Off Acosta Judge
    The thing to remember about the Trump White House is that no competent person actually wants to work there. It's a tough sell to get people to throw their reputations into a flaming dumpster and risk crippling legal bills for a guy who fires his staff in mean tweets. So it's hacks, all the way down. Competent persons, having gotten their asses kicked by a Trump-appointed judge and ordered to give Jim Acosta back his hard pass, would take a breath, let the whole business die down, and come up with a plan. They could refuse to ever call on Acosta again. Or they could use him as a liberal foil to gin up the pitchfork mob. Or they could write up a White House code of conduct and accuse Acosta of violating it. Instead, Bill Shine and Sarah Huckabee Sanders immediately sent Acosta an email telling him that he'd violated the UNWRITTEN White House code, and thus they'll be revoking his hard pass permanently as soon as the court's preliminary injunction expires on November 30. We had not previously thought that a formal set of rules for journalists' behavior at press conferences was necessary. That is because it had previously been a widely shared understanding that: (1) a journalist called upon to ask a question will ask a single question and, having received a response, will yield the floor unless, at the discretion of the President or other White House official answering questions, a follow-up question or questions is permitted, after which follow-up(s), the journalist will then yield the floor; and (2) when a journalist has had his or her question answered, the journalist is expected to yield the floor and, when applicable, physically surrender any microphone the journalist is using to White House staff for use by the next questioner. Leaving aside that this in no way describes regular process at White House briefings, where the press corps routinely jockeys for the mike and shouts out questions, this is a far cry from Sanders's original justification for revoking Acosta's access. We are old enough to remember when she tweeted a doctored video tape from Infowars, accusing him of "placing his hands on a young woman just trying to do her job." It was only three days ago that Judge Timothy Kelly (again, a Trump appointee!) found that the White House had likely violated Acosta's Fifth Amendment rights by arbitrarily yanking his credentials without any means of redress. But look, Your Honor! Here's a back formulation based on a "widely shared understanding" Bill Shine and the boys just pulled out of their asses Friday afternoon. They even went to the trouble of formulating a figleaf procedure to challenge the White House when it destroys Acosta's ability to report the news. So, we're good, right? Should you wish to contest this preliminary decision or the factual basis set forth in this letter, please submit a written response to us in writing via email by 5:00 p.m. on Sunday, November 18, 2018. Should you not submit a decision by that time, this preliminary decision will be final. You may submit that response by emailing it to one or both of us. Ooooh, a whole 44 hours to submit a response, or Acosta loses his right to cover the White House in perpetuity. VERY PROCESS! MUCH DUE! Judges looooove it when parties indicate their intention to contravene a court order before the ink is even dry. All the best lawyers will tell you that. This is especially true when the parties agreed in court on Friday morning to suspend the Tuesday deadline for the government to file written opposition to the preliminary injunction just issued. If we didn't know better, we'd speculate that the government went before the court and negotiated in bad faith! James Burnham represents the White House, Ted Boutros represents CNN. In response, CNN has filed a Request for an Emergency Briefing Schedule and Hearing on Plaintiff's Motion for Preliminary Injunction, saying, essentially, You fucked us, and now the court needs to step in and make this preliminary injunction into a restraining order. And when CNN says, "discovery may be necessary to resolve Plaintiff's claims," they mean they're going to depose Sanders, Shine, the intern, and everyone else in the White House Press Office. They're going to find out if that confrontation was staged. They're going to subpoena any emails where Shine -- who was Ailes's goon at Fox, so he's really better at throwing money at problems than covering them up -- discussed how to get Acosta out of there. They're going to make Sarah Sanders admit to downloading that bullshit video from Infowars. And God only knows what other skeletons they'll shake loose once discovery gets going. All of which could have been avoided if the White House had just sat down with CNN as they agreed to on Friday afternoon and figured out how to make this shit go away. So, mazal tov on another stunning win for the White House Brain Trust. Really, you knocked this one right out of the park! [CNN] Follow your FDF on Twitter!Please click here to fund your Wonkette! We are thankful for YOU!How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Went Back To Orange County, Orange County Was Gone
    Do you like pretty things? Try this pretty thing on for size: That right there is mama's old stomping grounds, from fresh out of college in 1827 until 12ish or 80 years later, in 2007. That right there is where mama had a political column where she went disco-dancing with folks like ... well, like Dana Rohrabacher, and Mike Carona, "America's Sheriff" who would eventually do all his sheriffing from prison. We got manicures together. He was hott. You know who else was hott? MAMA. HOLY SHIT! I was there working at a thing lost to time called an "alt-weekly." And everyone the world 'round would smirk that we at OC Weekly were "behind the Orange Curtain." (Our fearless editor-in-chief, who taught me everything NYU hadn't about putting out a paper, has gone on to head the California Policy Center, a grotesquely anti-union shop that puts out Facebook posts showing Russian breadlines and saying that's what universal healthcare will get you. I hope the Koch money is worth it, because I sure don't fucking understand it otherwise.) Back then, Mike Levin -- who just won Darrell Issa's old seat -- was a cleancut young man trying to shepherd wee Steve Westly to the governorship. "Have you ever met a real-life billionaire?" one of the young men at the meet-and-greet asked my then-small buttercup of a son. "Only maybe half a billion," another demurred. Because that was how Democrats did it in the OC. Back then, Dana Rohrabacher was literally sliding off his barstool onto the ground at last call. Back then, Orange County was so deeply Bircherite that when one lonely Democrat -- Loretta Sanchez, who actually wasn't a bad congresswoman before she went insane running for Senate against Kamala Harris -- broke through, beating "B-1" Bob Dornan, he fought the election for years, claiming (you guessed it!) voter fraud, because all the nuns were registered to vote at the same address: their convent. And all the Marines were registered at the same address: their barracks. That old man was a hoot! But but but! we would always say. Orange County is not so red as you think it is. Sure, people elect Republicans with all of the vote! But the Food Not Bombs anarchists were feeding the homeless every week at the park. And the Catholic Worker folk were housing them -- dozens of them -- in their own house and spilling into the yard. And there was art and music and dancing! So much dancing! And then we would go to another party in a store, where we ate caviar to help the poor. Orange County is blue now. All blue. I can't imagine that monolith will stay that way: We won't have Dana Rohrabacher to kick around anymore, for one, and Orange Countians do like them some goddamn tax cuts. But if you had told 25-year-old me that day was coming, I'd have ... well, I'd have said DUH WHAT PART OF WHAT WE HAVE BEEN SAYING DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, AND ALSO I BET THE HOT SHERIFF IS GOING TO JAIL. Wonkette has decades of institutional memory all over this great land, and since we're ad-free, you should GIVE US MONEY.How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000
  • Happy Thanksgiving, America! The President's Brain Is Broken.
    Donald Trump's brain has officially gone away, y'all. Everybody say bye-bye to the president's brain!Trump sat down with Fox News's Chris Wallace this weekend, and we don't know if he had just finished huffing a bunch of paint (probably), or if he's just so freaked out about Robert Mueller that his words are even less coherent than usual (yep), or if he's just the stupidest person in America, therefore this is just how he is (yep yep yep!). It was ... well, it happened!Trump began the interview by saying that it's fake news that he's been having three million temper tantrums per day ever since the midterms, so you can just forget about that. His mood is not dark, it is "very light," as you can tell from his demeanor for this whole entire interview. Trump began by saying he "did well in France," except for that whole part about how he started the trip insulting Emmanuel Macron on Twitter, then stayed in the hotel by himself as much as possible so he could be grumpy, and also so he could avoid getting his roadkill hairdo wet in the rain. Other than that, flawless! Here are some more highlights:It's not Donald Trump's fault Matt Whitaker is so smart and good and correct about how there was NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION.Trump started off this section by just flat-out lying and saying he didn't know that Meatball McPorkchop, the empty-headed thug he picked to kill the Mueller investigation, was an outspoken critic of the Mueller investigation. He then patted himself on the back for making such a good choice, because can you imagine if Whitaker thought there was collusion? That would make him so dumb, because Trump knows there was no collusion. Did you know there was no collusion? There was no collusion. TRUMP: What do you do when a person is right? There was no collusion! [...] So if he said there is collusion, I'm supposed to be taking somebody that says there is, because then I wouldn't take him for TWO reasons. The number one fact is that he would've been wrong! Trump didn't list the number two reason, but maybe it's because Trump just likes being close to the guy who used to sell Big Penis Toilets, for people with such gargantuan penises they cannot make dumps in regular toilets. Donald Trump answers Robert Mueller's questions very goodly and ALL BY HIMSELF.WALLACE: Your team is preparing written answers to questions ...TRUMP: No no! Not my team! I'm preparing written answers! I'm the one that does the answers! Are they writing them out? They write what I tell them to write.And he is DONE writing the answers and it "wasn't a big deal" and the questions weren't even hard, SHUT UP. OK! Now is the time in the interview where we eat Mohammed Bone Saw's ass!Donald Trump does not want to listen to the tape of Jamal Khashoggi being murdered, because it is a "suffering tape." He knows it was very bad, though, which is why he's willing to believe Saudi crown prince Mohammed Bone Saw when he lies to Trump repeatedly and says he didn't order the killing, even though the CIA has concluded MBS definitely did do that.WALLACE: Did MBS lie to you, sir?TRUMP: I don't know. Who can REALLY know? [...] He told me that he had nothing to do with it. He told me that, I would say, maybe five times, at different points ...WALLACE: But what if he's lying? TRUMP: ... as recently as a few days ago.WALLACE: Do you just live with it, because you need him?TRUMP: Well, will anybody REALLY know?Not you, Mister President!Donald Trump did not lose the midterms, YOU LOST THE MIDTERMS!Everybody's talking about the Democrats winning the House, but nobody talks about how Donald Trump singlehandedly won the Senate. Did you hear about that? No you didn't, because nobody's talking about it. Donald Trump was not on the ballot this time, YOU WERE ON THE BALLOT!Inexplicably, Trump, after explaining that he won the Senate, started talking about how he wasn't on the ballot anyway, so it doesn't matter. Here's a nice "Morning Joe" compilation of Trump telling the Grunt People at his rallies that actually he was on the ballot, so please vote: Now is the part of the interview where we shit all over ADMIRAL MCRAVEN, because we are a very, very small man.If you need a reminder what a piece of shit Trump really is: You remember when Admiral William McRaven spoke out in the Washington Post and asked Trump to take his security clearance away, because if Trump was going to do that to John Brennan and the rest of his political enemies, he'd like to be counted among that group? We always wondered how Trump would respond to it whenever he finally decided to weigh in. Now we know. WALLACE: Bill McRaven, Retired Admiral, Navy Seal, 37 years, former head of U.S. Special Operations -- TRUMP: Hillary Clinton fan. WALLACE: Special Operation -- TRUMP: Excuse me, HILLARY. CLINTON. FAN!You have to understand that Trump is cutting in PETULANTLY here to say Hillary! Clinton! Fan! Which is not even true. Part of why it was such a big deal when Admiral William McRaven, the guy who killed bin Laden, spoke out against Trump is that he is notedly apolitical. But not in Trump's wee brain! Deep in those crevasses, McRaven is Hillary! Clinton! Fan!WALLACE: Who led the operations, commanded the operations that took down Saddam Hussein and that killed Osama bin Laden, says that your sentiment is the greatest threat to democracy in his life. TRUMP: OK, he's a Hillary Clinton backer and an Obama backer and frankly -- WALLACE: He's a Navy SEAL -- TRUMP: Would it have been nicer if we got Osama Bin Laden a lot sooner than that, wouldn't it have been nice? …HILLARY. CLINTON. FAN. Just after that, unbelievably yet also very believably, Trump, because he is the weakest person with the lowest self esteem in THE ENTIRE WORLD, said bin Laden lived in a beautiful mansion in Pakistan just so he could say it wasn't that beautiful.To be clear: Osama bin Laden is dead. Barack Obama and Bill McRaven killed him after George W. Bush couldn't find the time. And Trump cannot handle any part of that. Literally Obama was in the middle of killing Bin Laden that night at the White House Correspondents Dinner when he was making fun of Trump. That's how badass Barack Obama is.For the record, McRaven has responded to Trump's babyshits tantrum about him. He doesn't fucking care.Finally, a few more bits and pieces!Why didn't Trump go to Arlington National Cemetery on Veterans Day? He was busy with CALLS. (This is a lie. He was busy tweeting and he didn't want to get his hair wet.)Why hasn't Trump visited any of our troops in war zones? Because he's a fucking pig and can't be bothered. (He didn't say that.) And finally, how does Trump arrive at his decisions? What is his process, so to speak. He doesn't have one. He doesn't think. He just fucks shit up, and when he's done, he goes and fucks more shit up, because he's a failure. Happy Thanksgiving, America! This is really your president. For real, though!Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.How often would you like to donate? Just once Monthly Select an amount (USD)$2$25$5$50$10$100$15$500$20$1000

New Civil Rights Movement: news and opinion focused on issues that affect the LGBTQ community

Scholars and Rogues: a diverse band of political and social analysts, activists, jesters, and troublemakers

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Climate Denial Crock of the Week: Peter Sinclair, a long time advocate of environmental awareness and energy alternatives


Title image: Bizarro, by Dan Piraro.


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